It only hurts
by MerielTLA
Summary: Kendall Knight, for him I was just James, BTRs pretty boy, Casanova extraordinaire obsessed with his looks and hair...his best bud, for me he was the reason I still had a figging heartbeat.
1. Chapter 1

**I´M F-ING BACK!**

**Ahh those weeks were…not that bad lol but my mind got all loaded up with 3 different stories, well thanks to BaronOfDenmark I´ll start with this one well because I haven't done a Kames inside the BTR universe xD so here it is and I hope you like it, if not don't worry I can handle it xD**

CHAPTER 1

James PoV

"Kendall! Head down!" I screamed and he didn't lose time doing what I said two seconds before the pock passed right in the spot where his head used to be smashing something on the back. The four of us made pained expressions seeing a fancy looking vase crashed on the floor "Run!" Gustavo was not going to be happy to pay for more of our messes. We huddled inside the elevator hearing Bitters´ screams, the thing was small and wearing our whole hockey gear didn't help, at the moment I was with my back against the wall and Kendall right in front of me, at our side Carlos and Logan started to fight for God knows what ending up in pushing Kendall right at me, I reacted fast putting my hands in front of me catching him before he fell, I had to close my eyes trying to compose myself, with no room to move I started getting slightly intoxicated cause of his closeness, his body right in front of mine, the sweet smell of his hair…damn I was starting to get hard and seeing how he got rid of his helmet revealing his sweaty hair did not help at all, I swallowed pushing my body further into the wall feeling my heart race…each passing day being near him became harder and harder, I feared of the day when it all became too much to handle. Thankfully the short trip got to an end and we ran out the confined space of the palm woods elevator.

"That was AWESOME!" screamed Carlos as we got inside 2J getting rid of our hockey gear "And the shortys won!" he said taking Logan´s hand and rising it to the air.

"Oh yeah!" said Logan and they started making a sad attempt of Kendall´s happy dance, it was unusual that they could win at a match when it was shortys vs taller ones.

"Hey what´s up with you?" asked Kendall putting his hand on my shoulder "You were NOT into that game at all"

"I´m fine" I grinned before a furrowed my nose "I´m sweating like a pig and that´s not attractive so I´m going for a shower" I walked to the room I shared with Kendall and closed the door behind me. I sighed passing a hand through my face prior slowly taking away the rest of my hockey equipment, getting some clean clothes and getting inside the bathroom, I walked into the shower closing my eyes.

Kendall Knight. My best friend and also the guy that was ever present in my mind and heart. I did not remember a time when all I felt for my best friend were feelings of friendship and companionship, every time he got close to me my heart began to take leaps of joy even if it was clear that he would never see me as something more than his best friend, than his beta male in the group. For him I was just James Diamond, Big time rush´s pretty boy, Casanova extraordinaire obsessed with his looks and hair…not that I was not all those things for everybody outside me and my parents…yeah a big faker I was, just to protect my secret for the people I cared the most…_my secret_ oh that sounded so dramatic and cool, well it was not. The big secret was simple: I was gay and head over heels in love with my best friend…oh yeah _BOM! POW! _Nah not such a big secret…except that I knew this sense I was eleven and my parents sense I was thirteen and I was NOT going to tell Kendall or the guys about it, not even that I was gay because well it would be awkward…every single thing we did revolved around girls and having a group member that didn't give a shit about them would make things weird for the others.

"Damn" I whispered hating where my trail of thoughts had led me, now I was thinking about Jo, because well all that dude time was thanks to that bitch, she had gone away –Thank GOD!- leaving Kendall behind, at first I was happy, we could have more time to hang like before he was taken, but when I saw him mopping on the couch I had to make myself understand that even if I was his best friend I would always come in second place, that he would never suffer like that if I went away…damn I had even done that once and he just decided that I was replaceable and started searching for the new member of BTR…that single thought was enough to depressed me. I turned off the shower and wrapped myself in a towel leaning on the sink looking at my reflection on the mirror.

"James we´re going to the pool, are you coming?" asked Kendall from the other side of the door.

"I´m tired, maybe later" I answered closing my eyes hoping that he would go away and I could have some time alone to get myself together…fuck why was so hard to be happy and cheery again? I put my clothes on and walked outside stopping when I saw Kendall sitting on his bed looking at me "What are you doing here?" I frowned.

"Are you aware that this is my room too?" he smiled standing up. That damn cute dimpled smile of his.

"Yeah but you said you were going to the pool"

"James, what´s gotten into you? You were distracted during dance practice, you were lost in hockey and don't tell me that you´re fine because _fine_ it´s not an answer" he pointed at me with his index finger and I avoided his gaze.

"Yeah it is" I walked to let my dirty clothes in the laundry basket just to have something to do.

"No, fine is an ambiguous word, it doesn't say a thing" he said in a matter-of-fact way.

"Ambiguous…big word, the loganator has been rubbing on you" I skipped the question almost praying that he would leave me alone, once Kendall got his mind on something it was almost impossible to make him change his mind or give up.

"James stop trying to dodge the question and answer it now, I know you and I can see something´s up with you" yeah if he knew me that well he would see how much I did not want to me close to him at that moment, or how much in pain I had been the last months seeing him all happy with his girlfriend…even if he finally noticing I was not alright made me a little happy because as everybody knew, I kind of loved the attention.

"Just leave me Kendall" I decided that as a friend, I should tell him the truth "I just want to be alone, so go to the pool and enjoy the sun perhaps I´ll join later I don't know" I looked at him in the eye "Go" he grimaced not happy of not being able to help me but things have always been like this, I was not like Logan or Carlos that followed his every plan blindly, I was the one that was selfish enough to fight him when I wanted something and now I wanted to be the fuck alone.

"James…"

"Close the door when you´re out" I bumped myself on my bed, put on my headphones and my iPod so loud I could I could not hear the words that got out of his mouth, I saw him rise his hands in defeat and walked away. I closed my eyes letting myself drown in the music.

Can hold my breath only for a little while 'til reality starts sinking in  
>once again I'm settling for second best turn the pages skip to the end<br>to where I swore that I would try since the last time

I crossed that line in the back of my mind I know.

_Settling for second best. _That was exactly what I had been doing my entire life. I mean yeah I had dates but they were girls, just for cover and spend the day, never looking for something real. My dad told me every day that it was time to try get over Kendall, to go and look for other guys and search for my happiness but I ignored him…now that it was so hard to keep my cool being near him 24/7 I started to think that maybe he was right, but how was I supposed to do that if Kendall insisted on spending a lot of time the four of us together saying that he had missed us? Well sorry dude but it was your own fault for spending so much time with that bitch Jo –have I mentioned how much I hated her guts?-

It only hurts when your eyes are open lies get tossed and truth is spoken

it only hurts when that door  
>gets open dreams are lost and hearts are broken.<p>

I opened my eyes when someone snatched the headphones from me hurting my ears, I glared at the small form of Kendall´s baby sister.

"What´s your problem?" I groaned sitting.

"That´s my line, Kendall got out completely furious from here mumbling how you´re such a drama queen and I come in and see you mopping in Jamie land" I passed a hand through my face, why was so hard to have some alone time in this house?

"Not your problem Katie, leave me alone and give me back my music" she frowned before putting one of the headphones on.

"Rock? Sense when?" she gave me a weird look.

"Katie, have you seen my father?" she made a small _oh_ with her mouth, yeah Jimmy Diamond was a big rock fan and over the years I have learned how to love the genre "Now give it back and get out"

"What´s wrong with you James? You snap at everybody, you hardly spend the day with us…"

"Because I go on dates, because like now nobody leaves me alone so yeah I snap, now Katie please give me my iPod back and get the hell out of here" she stubbornly held the device behind her back, I groaned got up, put on my shoes and got out of the room, I just needed to get out of all that drama.

"Hey James…" said Ms. Knight and being the polite guy I was I continued walking like she hadn't spoken at all. I got out of the apartment and practically ran down the stairs before crossing the lobby and not stopping until I was far away from the Palm Woods. I grabbed my phone and dialed my dad´s number.

"What´s wrong?" this made me smile, even if my parents were divorced they had never left me unnoticed.

"Why do you think something´s wrong?"

"Because every time you call me using your phone means that you´re far from the Palm Woods probably running away from something" I chuckled, my dad knew me pretty well.

"I just could not stay there any longer" I saw a near bus station, maybe a trip to the beach wouldn't hurt "It´s harder than I thought" I got in the next bus.

"I already told you, you are a Diamond, and that means we have strong emotions, if you don't take care of that entire emotional tornado inside of you, you´ll have to deal with the consequences" I shuddered at the thought, only once in my life I had been really depressed and I was not going back to that hell hole.

"But what can I do?"

"I have told you a thousand times, get the fuck away from there" this was the same thing he had done in his marriage, he had ran away from my mother because if he didn't they it would get ugly; I knew they still loved each other but sometimes being next to the loved one was not the best option.

"How could I? I´m not asking mom for money, I know you can´t lend me some…"

"Grow up and get a job James" I grimaced; I didn't like working, that was common knowledge.

"I don't like jobs, already tried it and it didn't work" I looked through the window seeing the sea making its appearance.

"You can be a fine waiter, it´s not too hard to find that kind of job and the tips are great…besides you have to suck it up son, life´s not always a trail of roses" leave it to my dad to give me a kick in the ass over the phone.

"I guess I could find one" I sighed getting out of the bus, I took a deep breath loving the salted smell in the air "Dad, I got to go"

"Take care son, love you"

"You too" I hung up and started walking through the shore letting the peace of the place calm me down, my dad was right I could not let this get the better of myself, I loved my friends and I knew that acting like a jerk every day would do nothing to keep our friendship in good terms. I sighed feeling like it was the hundred time of the day I did that. I was going for the same road that last time almost got my life ended. I caressed the scar on my throat, the guys thought it was just a simple scar that I got in a hunting trip with my dad, I bet they would be surprised if any of them knew the real reason of it…Kendall knew…half of it at least.

"Hey you!" I turned my head when some guy screamed and seeing that I was the only one around I assumed he was talking to me "How old are you? Do you have a job? Are you up for an adventure?" I blinked a couple of times stunned by his behavior.

"Seventeen, no and it depends" I answered giving him a raised eyebrow.

"I could give you a hundred bucks in two hours if you help me" he smiled a nice bright smile, I decided to give him a second glance, he was nice looking, jet black hair, tanned skin, grey eyes…hot guy.

"I don't do illegal" he laughed, a simple sweet laugh, not the obnoxiously laud laugh I loved…it sounded good enough.

"No, it´s just that I need some help unpacking some stuff for my uncle´s business and you seem like a strong dude, care to help us unload the truck?" he pointed a nice cabin not far from there, and on the side a big moving trailer.

"Sure I need the money" I shrugged and we walked to the cabin.

"I´m Luca by the way"

"James" we smiled before he showed me the way inside the cabin, it looked like a restaurant on the making.

"This is the soon to be Lombardy´s Sports Bar" he explained "Now hiring" he winked at me, this was too good to be truth…maybe someone above wanted me to forget about Kendall and this Luca guy was a nice way to try.

The rest of the afternoon we worked arm to arm unloading the trailer, I was tired but chatting with him was nice for a change, no deep emotions to control, no personal drama, just simple and easy talk.

"Hey James…" he said when we were taking a break, he looked nervous "I don't want to take things further without knowing but you kind of confuse me" _oh, oh._

"How?" I drank some water somehow knowing what he was going to ask, I had let my guard down being completely comfortable around him, I had even checked him out a couple of time, something I had never let myself done when I was with the guys…maybe he was straight and got a little freaked about my actions.

"Are you gay?" I spit my water all over his face, thank you very much "Ok if you´re not don't worry I can live with it" he laughed getting his cheeks slightly pink as he wiping the water from his eyes.

"Were you hoping that I was?" I asked tentatively cleaning my chin with my hand, he bit his lip and nodded making me smile "Because I am, you just got me with my guard down" if felt so good to tell someone like it was not a big deal.

"Wow that is so cool!" he cheered and I looked at him like he was crazy.

"But I´m not currently dating…just so you know" my words didn't make him change his demeanor, that was weird.

"Oh don't worry neither am I, just that it´s nice to know someone else like me…I just moved here and I was beginning to think that I was doomed to stay with girls or awkward guys all the time" oh I knew the feeling all too well.

"How did you know?"

"Besides the fact that I saw you checking me out?" I smiled not a little ashamed of my behavior, he rolled his eyes probably getting that I was flirt "I guess my gaydar is at maximum, I just kind of felt it, besides no one can use such tight jeans and not be one of us" _One of us_, that sounded so damn good.

"I´m glad that´s the case, now I really have to go but be sure to call me when your uncle sees my application, I know I don't have much experience but I need the money"

"Don't worry I´ll let you know" I waved at him and walked outside noticing that it was dark, maybe Mama Knight would be a little upset when I got home.

"WHERE WERE YOU JAMES DIAMOND?" ok upset was an understatement. She came right to me the minute I walked inside 2J.

"The shore, I just…"

"Are you crazy? James why did you run off like that?" this time it was Kendall, I did not want to talk to him, I was good enough away from him, I didn't need to remember how much I craved for him and how…was that a _hickey_ on his neck?

"Shut up Kendall, and I´m sorry Ms. Knight…" she was about to speak again when Logan spoke from the table.

"Why are you so dirty and sweaty?"

"I was working, now I´m tired and I need a shower" I tried not to look at their stunned faces when I said I was working as I got inside my room of course followed by Kendall.

"Working on what?" he had a big disbelief expression on his face.

"Get rid of that face Kendork, I can work and I was helping a friend unload a trailer" I began undressing myself "And thanks for sending Katie to do your dirty work, when I say I don't fucking want to talk about something is because I don't"

"Yeah I get that, but I don't like it when wherever the hell has you like this is making every little spot you step on a fucking battle field" he grabbed me by my shoulder, his touch sending millions of electric shots through my body, his hand burned my skin and all I wanted to do was turn and crush my lips into his, but I knew that was not possible so I just shoved his hand away going for my ringing phone, I got a text from my dad.

**Your mom has a room at her LA quarters, she says you can live there, it has everything you need, text me the answer so we can talk to the doorman to give you the keys.**

I closed my eyes, it all was becoming real too fast, was I really ready to live by myself? To try to get over Kendall? I had no idea because it only hurt when I was near him, when he was piercing me with those amazing emerald eyes…I was fucking scared, I was running away and I had no idea what that could do to our friendship but if I stayed I was sure things would get worst and I didn't like those moments, it reminded me too much when my parents lost control near one another.

"Are you just going to ignore me? We are best friends we know everything about each other, tell me James don't close yourself to me, our friendship has suffered enough this passed years" I looked at the floor not turning to face him, he was right. Even if I had stayed by his side not following my father´s advice I had put on a gap between us. Before all my emotional drama happened we used to be inseparable, we would call each other at night when one of us couldn't sleep, we would go into double dates ignoring the girls most of the time, we would make harry potter marathons any other weekend just the two of us…at that time it was a lot easier to be near him because I was his best bud, the number one on his calling list, the guy he could go when he needed help…and for me, well he has always been the first one in my mind. But now it was hard knowing that I was not a priority, that I was replaceable and that he was standing right behind me just to make some peace inside the house…I couldn't take it anymore, I was too selfish to stay there and be his _best bud_ again before he found a new cute –hateable- girl and fall for her, I was James Diamond I should not let anybody do that to me…not again.

"I´m moving" I said turning, he frowned in bewilderment "I´ll be gone tomorrow"

"What?" he shook his head "Is your mom again? W-we could make a plan to convince her…"

"It´s not my mom,_ I_ want out" he looked taken back as I made my way pass him and started putting on my PJ´s.

"Why?" his voice sounded serious and almost like a whisper, I knew only seldom people in the world had hear him speak like that, I was one of those few –and probably Jo too…the bitch- and that tone he only used it when he did not understand something that brought pain into his heart…well sorry you could lose your _best bud_ I was not mopping in Jamie land anymore.

"Because I need to"

"James, what is it? Please talk to me, if there´s something wrong in this house that you need to escape from tell me I-I can fix it" ah there he was in _hero mode_ again; I was pissed I did not want this image of him as I made my way out, I could deal with him being mad because I was so close to him but not this sad attempt to help his _best bud_…God I hated those two words!

"You can´t"

"Why not? You know me, I can do it, what is it?"

"I´m not going to tell you Kendall" I put on my shirt and he grasped my arm turning me to face him and this time I could not look away from his bottle green eyes, they were hypnotizing and I was sure they could see inside my soul…what would he think if he knew that I had fucked him in countless dreams? That I had imagined his mouth around my cock as I touched myself more than once?

"Now" his pleading eyes took away my barriers, like every time we talked…if you wanted a reason why we had become best friends it was because of this, he could make me talk when nobody else could.

"It´s you" I didn't think a second before I tugged his shirt and smashed my lips on his muffling his whines, I kissed him forcefully until he gathered the strength to push me away and right next to that his fist came crashing in my jaw, I stumbled back feeling tears trying to break free, I swallowed keeping myself together before I raised my eyes just to see him, he had a stunned expression and wide eyes, he took a step back looking at me like I was an alien…should´ve known it was going to be like this "I can´t live with you anymore Kendall" I spoke before I walked outside knowing that I had enough money to call a cab and go to my mother´s apartment, that was it, the only thing I needed to get rid of the hopes I could still have in my heart, now I was determined to forget about him and I prayed to God for his help because in the next day we had a full day at Rouque Records and it was going to be beyond painful to see him again.

"Man up James, you knew this would have to happen sooner or later" I said to myself as I got out the Palm Woods, nobody had followed me, nobody had even asked me where I was going…so much for caring friends.

**Sooo how was this? I have no idea where this came from lol but I don't think it sucks, review please? I´ll give you a cookie if you do =D**

**Take care!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Wow people seem to like this story and that is always great! Thank you so much! **

**And for the ones that want to know which groups I use for inspiration you can always ask xD**

**Here it is! Enjoy!**

CHAPTER 2

James PoV

I paid the taxi driver before I walked inside the Diamond Cosmetics building; the doorman Mr. Lightwood greeted me with a smile.

"Good night Mr. Diamond" he said handing me the key to the apartment, I did not love the idea of living inside one of my mother´s working areas but now that I had fucked things up I had nowhere else to go.

"Good night" I whispered giving him a faint smile, it wasn't his fault that my insides were about to break. I walked to the room and got inside not bothering on looking around, I just stumbled to the bed and let my body fall into it before I curled into a ball, I felt numb and broken, my body shook as the first tear slid through my cheek followed by my first sob in years…James Diamond did not cry, I was sure that the last time any of my three best friends had seen me cry was on fourth grade when my parents divorced…now all I could do was hug a cold pillow and sob harder…so this was how it felt to have your heart shattered?

Kendall PoV

"AAAAHHHH!" we flinched at Gustavo´s screams, he was at the studio trying to write a new song but as Kelly told us when we got there, it was proving to be a hard task.

We were still waiting for James to show up… I was not so ready to see him…I was so confused about everything and I had no idea how to tell the guys about the reason of James departure, they were worried even if a couple of hours after James took off he texted my mom telling her that he was staying at his mother´s apartment and the he would come to the studio like every morning and after he would pick his stuff from 2J…I knew I needed to talk to him to get things clear but at the same time I had a little voice in my mind telling me to leave him alone, to get away from that creep who having feelings about me dared to be in the same room when I changed, or slept next to me in so many occasions…and what was the hell him? Gay, bi? I had no idea what to think of him, it was terrifying to not have a clue about what the person that knew you the most was…James why did you do that? We were cool, I was getting over Jo and it was dude time again…ahh shit I started to feel a headache coming.

"Why would he want to live alone? He can´t take care of himself" mumbled Logan from his spot in one of the couches.

"He can" I said simply, he could take care of himself just perfectly he just loved playing dumb so people would take care of him, I had found that about him when we were on seventh grade.

"I just don't get it" whined Carlos at the moment when we heard some familiar footsteps, we looked into the hall as James came inside, I grimaced seeing him, that was not the James I´ve known sense we were on first grade, he had the same clothes he wore the day before and they were wrinkled and not fashionable at all, his hair was clean but not styled and his expression was blank but knowing him like I do –or maybe I didn't know him all that well after all- I could see a deep pain inside his eyes. I lowered my eyes avoiding any real contact with his hazel gaze.

"Are you ok?" asked Carlos putting his arm around James´ shoulders.

"I´m fi…I´m good" I closed my eyes at his answer…fine was an ambiguous word.

"You don't look good" this time was Logan who talked.

"I left all my products at 2J, you don't expect me to look like my awesome self without them" I didn't lift my eyes to see his fake smile, I didn't need to because his voice told me everything.

"DOGS!" we turned to look at Gustavo walking inside followed by Kelly "We need a new song and…what happened to you?" he looked at James like he had grown two heads, seeing him in this state was that unusual.

"Nothing, I´m good" he sounded like he was telling this more to himself than anybody else…and I still could not bring myself to talk to him. Sense when the Knights were such wimps that we couldn't talk to our best friends…who kissed us…who was also a guy? Damn it!

"Okay, to studio A and do harmonies while I finish the song…"

"Gustavo?" we turned to James, he looked a little frighten but resolved at the same time.

"What?"

"C-can I write the song?" at this even the sound guy stopped moving, then all of our eyes went straight to Gustavo.

"And why would you do that?" eyes back to James.

"Because I would like to and I think I can do it and…" he seemed like writing that song was a lifesaver.

"Fine" we all looked at Gustavo with our mouths open.

"R-really?" James stuttered a small smile threatening to appear on his lips.

"Well you did write most of the Oh Yeah song, write the lyrics, you have a couple of hours…don't look at me like that! I have a small writer´s block and having dog number 2 write a little would do him some good…but I still hate you" true words, I was not good with lyrics but James just had a way with words. He gave a sharp nod before he looked for my eyes for the first time in the morning, I held his gaze not speaking a single word, looking at him like he was a stranger because I was starting to feel like he was, he bit his lip and looked down prior storming into the studio and locking himself in it.

"What was that?" asked Logan at my side, Carlos was looking at me too, they were crazy but not stupid and they figured out I was being a jackass with my best friend pretty easily.

"Nothing" I mumbled going to the couch.

"Kendall…did you and James fight?" mumbled Carlos sitting next to me, he was a free happy spirit he didn't like it when we fought.

"Something like that" I passed a hand through my face. We stood silent for a while before Carlos started talking again.

"Do you know why he…?" he trailed off frowning before he stormed outside the door where James was working on the song "James?" I didn't hear his reply "Can I come in?" and seconds later the door opened just enough to let him in and then it closed again.

"What was that about?"

"Who knows, those two can only get each other" shrugged Logan "James has a bruise on his cheek, I could see through the makeup…did you punch him?"

"Yes" I whispered, why had I reacted like that? If any of my girl friends would have done something like that I wouldn't lay a hand on them, just a simple apology telling them that I didn't felt the same, but James…he just freaked the shit out of me…I was not homophobic I knew that much but…yeah _but_.

"I know you have anger management issues but this is James we´re talking about, what possessed you to do that to him? What did he do?" Logan looked confused, like there was a math problem he could not solve and that pissed him big time.

"Not the time or the place to tell you" I said closing my eyes and letting my head fall back into the couch, I had the feeling things were not going to get easy from now on.

James PoV

Ashamed or embarrassed couldn't even describe how I felt. There I was sobbing like an idiot on my friends shoulder, pathetic… I tried to be quiet I didn't want Kendall or Gustavo to see me like this. I had no idea how Carlos had heard me but I was somehow glad he did, I needed a friend so much right now.

"You´re not going to tell me anything are you?" asked my latin friend as he rubbed my back.

"Not now, I need to…get better" we were sitting on the floor against the farthest wall from the door, I straighten a little starting to wipe my tears "Fuck I hate crying"

"Nobody likes to but as my mom says, sometimes it does you good, take away some of the pain" he moved to pick the sheet where I had started the song "This is sad"

"I know, I have no idea what possessed me to ask Gustavo to write a song if I can´t write a single happy shit right now" I rested my arms on my knees letting my head fall into my right hand looking at him tiredly. He grimaced before starting to hum a slow melody like he was starting to bring the lyrics alive "I like it, it should be good with some guitar at the start"

"I think it would be too slow, we have nothing like that"

"That´s exactly why, every group has a sad slow song, it´s like a law or something" I eyed him not convinced at all, I had some self esteem issues at the moment, he rolled his eyes before he started speaking "Imagine a packed stadium, everything dark except for thousands of lighters and fans singing with you with tears on their faces…I think it would be epic" he had a point…a big point.

"Ok but I have no idea how to finish it or if it even has a chorus" I passed a hand through my hair.

"Well…it could be painful but you have to think again of whatever has you like this just to get the inspiration back…or hold your breath, that helped me with the _Oh_ song" he gave me a small smile. I sighed closing my eyes, he didn't have to tell me twice about thinking of the reason I was hurting because even with everything that had happened I could not bring myself to get Kendall out of my mind…even if he had told me with his eyes that he didn't care about me anymore…I could almost see the disgust in his features, not because I was gay, I knew that much, but because I felt something for him…Fuck, why did rejection hurt so bad?

"Give me the paper" I took it from his hands and walked to a desk and started writing while more tears fell from my eyes, Carlos didn't go for me this time…perhaps he knew that I had to get this entire shit out of my system on my own. I scratched some words and made my brain race to remember all those nice words I supposedly learned in English class, if I was doing this I had to do it right…who knew maybe if Kendall voiced his hate towards me and get me kicked out of BTR I could be a songwriter...yeah James all that was clear in your future was that from 6pm and on you will be a waiter…brilliant future.

"Why are you moving?" I turned to see Carlos, he was sitting on the same spot giving me a sad look "I´m too used to have you there every day, it would be weird just to see you here…and what are you doing about school? Are you dropping off?"

"I don't know" I sighed it was going to be hard but I could bet that it wasn't as hard as dealing with the pain of living with Kendall "But I´ll figure it out and…" the door shot open and I wiped my tears furiously seeing that Griffin made his appearance in the studio.

"I want to hear how the new song´s going" his _minions_ took away the desk I was sitting on and put it in front of him before the big dude pushed me off my chair and delivered it to his boss. I sounded my throat just as Kendall, Logan, Gustavo and Kelly found their way inside, I looked down hoping they didn't see my swollen eyes. I walked to sit at the piano, the only instrument I could play somehow _Ok_. I took a deep breath and after exchanging a look with Carlos I started singing.

Yesterday I died, tomorrow's bleeding  
>Fall into your sunlight<br>The future's open wide beyond believing  
>To know why hope dies<br>Losing what was found, a world so hollow  
>Suspended in a compromise<br>The silence of this sound is soon to follow  
>Somehow sundown<p>

And finding answers  
>Is forgetting all of the questions we call home<br>Passing the graves of the unknown

As reason clouds my eyes, with splendor fading  
>Illusions of the sunlight<br>And the reflection of a lie will keep me waiting  
>Love gone for so long<p>

This day's ending is the proof of time killing all the faith I know  
>Knowing that faith is all I hold<p>

I closed my eyes…faith, hope…so easily torn away, I opened them desperately searching for Kendall´s gaze, I was a masochist but he was still my best friend and like every time I was in trouble I looked for him when I was unsure…except this time he found his shoes a lot more interesting than me, swallowing away more tears I continued to sing.

And I´ve lost who I am  
>And I can't understand<br>Why my heart is so broken  
>Rejecting your love<br>Without love gone wrong  
>Life<br>Less words  
>Carry on<p>

But I know  
>All I know<br>Is that the ends beginning

Who I am from the start  
>Take me home to my heart<br>Let me go  
>And I will run<br>I will not be silenced

All this time spent in vain  
>Wasted years<br>Wasted gain  
>All is lost<br>Hope remains  
>And this war's not over<p>

There´s a light  
>There´s the sun<br>Taking all the shattered ones  
>To the place we belong<br>And his love will conquer

I decided that even if it was the longest chorus I had ever heard I would make those last paragraphs my chorus, so I repeated them a little louder and stronger closing my eyes for good not wanting to feel more miserable by watching the pitiful look the people on the room were sure holding, I lowered my voice to a faint whisper to give away the last lines.

Yes his love will conquer all

Yesterday I died, tommorrows bleeding  
>Fall into your sunlight.<p>

Everything was quiet and I had to take a really deep breath before I opened my eyes and looked at the people in front of me: Carlos had a small warm smile, Kelly was cleaning her tears, Gustavo and Griffin looked thoughtful, Logan was biting his lip looking at me…when my eyes went to the spot where Kendall used to be I found nothing…if I thought my heart could not break more, I was wrong.

"How is it called?" inquired Gustavo, I bit my lip thinking about it…everything I felt was because my heart was so broken and…

"Shattered" I mumbled.

"I like it!" said the executive standing up "I had already told you Gustavo that we needed a sad song, so here it is…ah crying fan girls, almost as good as warm pants…record it!" he walked away followed by his _minions_ and Kelly walked in front of me before embracing me strongly.

"I´m sorry…for whatever happened that brought this to life" she whispered as I hugged her back.

"Thanks but don't worry…I´m good" maybe if I kept saying it one day it might come truth.

"Dog" I looked at Gustavo "Why weren't you with the other dogs at the palm woods?"

"Because I don't live there anymore…I wanted to talk to you about it…"

"I´m not paying for anything more" I rolled my eyes, of course he worried about his hated dog spending his money.

"No, I have a job, I just was wondering if I could have a free pass at five to get there on time" well Logan and Carlos were looking at me with their mouths open…thanks guys you really made me feel like a good for nothing.

"Where are you working?" apparently I hadn't convinced the producer because he was giving me a raised eyebrow and the most disbelieving look he could master.

"At the shore, in a place called Lombardy´s Sports bar…they called me just before coming here saying that they had accepted my application" and that was the only great news I had in the entire day…well before the song, that was pretty cool too…even if it had made Kendall run away from his freak best friend…if he stopped talking to me could I still call him my best friend?

"Fine by me, let´s see if the other dogs learn from this" I chuckled at the whines that emerged from the guys "Lend me the lyrics I still have to work a little on them and you start with those harmonies…where´s Kendall?"

"I´m here" he said getting inside the room and standing on the furthest place from me.

"Ok, start now"

The rest of the day was us working in that same way, I tried to not get in his way, after all I had been the one that fucked things up, I wanted to think that he just needed time to get around the idea…God I was so scared of what Logan and Carlos would think of that whole shit…Luca was right, sometimes it was good to have someone that understood those fears and insecurities… I had known him for one day but I was sure I could trust him, I needed someone to talk to about all of this, my parents cared and understood my pain, but it was not the same.

"I´m hungry" announced Carlos before he took my hand and pulled me where Gustavo was, I think he couldn't stand the tension between me and Kendall and had the great idea of separating us…I could not stop thinking that perhaps that could be the emergency plan to get over this "Gustavo can we go and eat? Please, please, pretty please!"

"Sure guys" answered Kelly before the producer could yell at us "You four can go to the restaurant downstairs, the song´s almost done and then you can go James, you have two hours"

"Thanks!" bounced Carlos before calling for our friends, we walked to the elevator and I panicked having the image of Kendall taking the stairs instead of getting down with us, Carlos pushed me to the elevator and I almost cried when I saw that my imagination was right, Logan shook his head and Carlos called for the blond twice before the doors closed, inside I looked at my shoes what did he think I would do to him? Harass him? Kiss him again? Yeah I would not make that mistake ever again…I had granted that small whim to my heart and by doing that I had ruined my relationship with him…no I was not letting anything more slip from my control. When we got out he was there waiting for us texting furiously…probably talking to the bitch of his ex-girlfriend. I walked pass him and his extremely loud sigh caught my attention.

"James we need to talk" my heart began to race in fear as I gave him a nod.

"We´ll save you a seat" said Logan before he continued his way; Carlos gave me an encouraging smile as he followed our shorter friend.

"Why did you do it?" it didn't surprise me that he went straight to the point, he didn't like to go around a conversation.

"Because I wanted to" I decided to man up and look at him, he sighed and raised his gaze, his emerald eyes were so distant that I knew what he wanted to tell me before he even spoke.

"I can´t do this James, I won´t stop you from moving because honestly I don't want you around me" first kick, right in the gut "It creeps me to think that you had a crush on me and still you saw me undress in front of you so many times, I don't even have to ask because now that I think about it I could feel you checking me out" second kick, right on the balls "I don't know if later I would want our friendship back, but now…" he trailed…third kick, right on the face.

"Want me to quit BTR?" I couldn't ask him to quit if he was the main reason we were there on the first place.

"What? No" I could almost breath again seeing his straight answer "This is your dream, I won´t take that away from you"

"Thank you" I whispered feeling a faint blush making its appearance.

"We worked well enough today, I think that if we keep it like that this might work…time to eat" he breathed before storming to the restaurant, I stood behind…it was hard to think of a way for this to be right again, needing of someone to talk to I dialed Luca´s number.

"Hey James! Ready for your first day? Wait…don't tell me you´re bailing on me! I need you dude! I hardly know you but I really like you…oh shit, no I didn't meant that in a romantic way…sorry I start to ramble when I get exited…shutting up now!"

"You have no idea how helpful is your ramble right now…and don't worry I like you too…and also not in a romantic way" he chuckled "I just wanted to get my mind of things and you popped inside my head"

"Oh, the escape friend…yeah I can be that, where are you?"

"At my other work…you?"

"Near downtown, wanna get lunch together?"

"Do you know the Rouque Records building?"

"Yeah, I´m not too far from it…"

"I work there…a block from here there´s a cafeteria, we could go there? I only have two hours" I really, really hoped he could.

"Done, I know that place, they have the best burgers…see you in ten?"

"Sure…bye" I hung the phone before slowly walking to meet the guys to tell them I was not eating with them.

"Hey dude, want me to call the waitress so you can order?" asked Carlos who already had his mouth filled with French fries.

"Sorry a friend invited me to eat…"

"Oh, like a date?" Carlos started to wiggle his brows and I rolled my eyes "What´s the name?"

"Luca, he works with me…ok see you in an hour" I started to walk back just as I heard Kendall´s sardonic words.

"Have fun at your date, _Jamie_" I made myself keep walking like he hadn't said a word, like the way he had said my name –if he had changed that Jamie for a queer or a pussy I wouldn't had even noticed- didn't hurt me at all…like I didn't know that he had already made up his mind to give me hell for bursting his little happy bubble and let him know that his best friend was a _fag_ completely in love with him.

**I have no idea why I love so much angsty James and jerkish Kendall lol but we know Kendall´s an impulsive guy and I really think that when he´s really pissed or confused he could be a real asshole…soo what did you guy´s think? **

**Review please? (uses Carlos´puppy eyes)**

**P.D. The song I used is "Shattered" by Trading Yesterday**

**P.D.2 Being that I will go on vacation the next week I won´t be able to update like I normally do but I´ll try to make it at least every third day…take care! And lots of love!**


	3. Chapter 3

Hahaha so much hate for Kendall…aww dont hate him! I love him! Thanks to him we have angsty James ;P

Ahh after my nice vacations I´m back and kicking…nothing like writing in the beach xD

Oh well thank you all for your amazing reviews! They literally give me fuel to keep writing!

With no more to say, here it is!

CHAPTER 3

James PoV

I waved at Luca who was smiling outside the cafeteria, as soon as I was a couple of feet from him his smile changed into a frown.

"You ok?" he asked opening the door to get inside.

"Not really" I sighed getting a table, he sat in front of me.

"Would you like to tell me?" I looked at my hands embarrassed, it was hard to come clean about my sucking loveless life "Come on, I know from experience that could help you…you know the old _talk easier to a estranger_ thing" I passed a hand through my head not completely sure "Ok, don't worry let´s just talk about the bar"

"I´m in love with my best friend and now that he knows…he hates me" I said before I could stop myself, looking at him I smiled raising my shoulders like it wasn't a big deal…I was surprised that I could actually pull up a smile feeling like this.

"Want me to help you beat the guy up?" he raised his hand to touch my bruised skin probably knowing that Kendall did that.

"Nah I can take him, I was just too stunned…I mean I lived with my feelings for seven years and last night I just couldn't take it anymore and I kissed him…"

"Before or after we met?"

"After" Luca sighed shaking his head.

"I moved here from Italy when I was thirteen…" I widen my eyes, I thought the last name was just for show.

"Really? Hot Italian boy…I think I can work with you" I said just to lighten the mood…my mood, maybe acting like everything was normal and fine I could get through the rest of the day.

"Yeah that was the saddest attempt of flirting I have ever witnessed"

"Not my best moment" I groaned letting my head fall into the table "You pity me, don't you?"

"No, I understand what you´re going through…more, less…as I was saying I moved here to live with my uncle because not my parents or my brothers liked it when I told them I liked boys…they kicked me out and uncle Gio was the only one that didn't care…it hurts, a lot" I closed my eyes, yeah I could guess how he felt and as always I was thankful that my parents loved me no matter what, maybe I could get over Kendall and move on but Luca could not forget about the family that instead of loving him kicked him out the minute he proved to be different "Now you´re the one taking pity on me"

"What? No! I was just thinking that even if right now I don't feel like it, I´m pretty lucky" the waitress came smiling giving us the menu.

"Anything to drink guys?"

"I want some iced tea" Luca mumbled _same_ "And a burger, they say you have great ones here" Luca grinned and again with the _same_, the waitress nodded before she walked away "No original ideas?"

"None, never except for football, I could be a pro if being gay didn't screw up all your chances here" he said with a sad gleam on his eyes.

"American or soccer?" I asked knowing that European people had a different way to call some sports.

"Soccer, everybody loves it in _la bella Italia_" Oh that accent sounded really sexy.

"Having luck picking guys using fancy Italian words?"

"Plenty" he gave me a smug smile "But, like I told you before, none of my charm is for you…not because I don't like you…I-I mean I like you as a friend nothing more…like I already said… and I don't want us to try because I really think we could work but…I´m rambling again, aren't I?"

"Cute" I shrugged with a tiny smile "And don't worry I really don't think that I could have eyes for anybody besides Kendall right now…I really wish I could but I know I can´t"

"I figure that Kendall´s your best friend" I nodded and he grimaced "How´bout we order take out and we go to the park two blocks from here and we really talk…because I really think you´re about to cry" I lowered my eyes, yeah that made two of us.

"Is it normal for you to make strangers cry?" I tried to joke looking at his gentle smile.

"Only the ones that I know will make great friends and that seriously look to need it"

"Why are you so good?" I narrowed my eyes, not that I didn't believe his intentions were good but now I didn't know what to think of people, my so called best friend punched me in the face and broke my heart in the same day…people weren't always what they seemed.

"Don't think of me as a good soul, I´m doing this for me too" I raised my eyebrow silently asking for a better explanation "I fucked up back in Italy, here I thought that I wouldn't find somebody that could understand what I´m going through because well, you don't just go around screaming for gay friends…except when you go into a club…I´ll take you there some time, it doesn't matter that you´re underage…back to the subject, I need someone that I could talk to as easily as I´m talking to you…yesterday was so easy and fun…and I missed something like that…if having you crying against my shoulder is part of the price for your friendship I´m more than willing to pay it" he was looking down with his cheeks painted a light shade of pink "I hate that I ramble so much" before I could say a thing the waitress came with our orders, we asked her to envelope the burgers and we went out.

"Your ramble is like a breath of fresh air" he chuckled and ruffled my hair, knowing it was a mess I didn't give him a hard time like I normally would "I have a friend that´s really nervous and he rambles a lot but when he does it he doesn't say a thing…with you I have to put attention because you say a heck lot of stuff" the park came in view and we went to seat under a big tree and started eating while we spoke of the nice weather we had…talk about crappy small talk!

"Damn, now you look good I can´t accomplish my friend duties if you get well this soon" he joked taking a big bite of his burger.

"Don't worry I´m a good actor, I´m not as good as I look to be. How about you come with me to the studio, hear my new song and then take me to my old home to pick up my stuff before we go to work" he frowned chewing faster to get rid of the food in his mouth.

"I´m in…you sing?" I rolled my eyes, it was easy to forget how little he knew about me, I kind of felt like I was hanging with Carlos or Logan, and that hardly ever happened with someone outside us four.

"Yep, we are a singing group, Kendall, Carlos, Logan and I, we´re called Big Time Rush" I finished my burger, oh yeah it was one of the best I had ever eaten.

"Fast eater, my mom would have given you hell for that" he said before groaning and passing a hand through his face probably troubled by remembering his mother.

"Hey, I´m the sad one here, right?" I pushed his shoulder jokingly.

"So, new song, what is it about?"

"I wrote it this morning" he raised his eyebrows "It´s sad and it practically explains how I feel right now"

"What did he do to you?" his eyes were concerned, again going for the bruise on my cheek.

"He punched me… we´re hockey players and aggression is something we live with every day…and living in the same house kind of calls for trouble" a small smile fought his way to my lips, I hadn't even gone away and I already missed them, I knew that in order to get over the douche of my best friend, I had to put time and distance between us…I just hoped that didn't kill me first "W-we´re like brothers, we´ve known each other sense first grade and all is great but when you live in the same house and sleep in the same room with someone you have more than brotherly feelings for…let´s just say that he freaked because we even changed in front of each other, he accused me of checking him out, he practically called me a fag…it hurts"

"And why aren't you angry?" well he looked furious "He is an asshole! A complete jerk that does not deserve your tears, so much time being friends…you really have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and show him that his words don't affect you…if he threw away your friendship just because you said you loved him then you can do the same…or at least pretend it" I thought about his words while I played with the grass on the ground, he was right I should be mad for the things had he said to me but I was used to ignore his outbursts and wait till he got better…maybe I should tell Carlos and Logan what was happening and get two more heads to help me think what to do because, the truth was that even with all that shit I still believed that Kendall and I could be back on being friends, maybe not what we used to have but something, anything that could resemble it.

"Shit!" I raised my hand when a piercing pain went through my arm and I found a piece of glass inside my palm, I looked at my right I saw a broken bottle…awesome at keeping the park clean people.

"It´s bleeding" I frowned forgetting the pain a second when I looked a very _green_ Luca, who was looking at my hand like it was a rabid dog, I decided to act fast getting rid of the glass, taking away my shirt staying with the interior tee and wrapping my hand in it, the minute the blood was out of the way he started gaining color gain.

"You ok?" I smiled grasping my shirt trying to stop the blood flow.

"Sorry, I don't like blood" he groaned resting his back on the grass taking deep breaths "How much time do we got?"

"About ten minutes, just enough to get there" I got up and raised my good hand to help him up, then he did he eyed my other hand "I think you should check that"

"Nah it´s not deep, the hand bleeds a lot with a simple cut" we began walking back to the studio. And I realized that focusing on the pain on my hand kind of cleared my hand from any hurtful sentiment…it was a nice feeling.

Kendall PoV

At the moment I was pretty sure I was going insane…I hated seeing James like that but at the same time I couldn't stop myself from saying hurtful words to him, I had successfully succumbed to the voice inside my head and I was convinced that I had been living with a creep for the last year, and that kind of changed every good memory into something freaky.

"Are you going to tell us why you guys fought?" sighed Logan giving me with a _We´re also your best friends and you HAVE to tell us_ look. I didn't dare to even look at him, we were at the studio waiting for James…who by the way, hadn't denied that he was going on a _date_ with a guy…things were starting to get complicated and weird…I didn't like that "And you´re ignoring me thinking of bad things again, damn it!" he was pissed and so was Carlos, whom I might add was giving me a really ugly look, maybe he already knew…

"Wow, who angered the loganator?" we turned to see James walking in grinning at some other dude at his right who was holding James´ hand between his as he looked at it frowning.

"James seriously it doesn't look good" mumbled the guy, James rolled his eyes

"Kiss it and it will get better" he winked and the guy laughed loud before he ruffled James´ hair and James lightly pushed him aside not killing him…he fucking touched James´ hair and lived to tell it! Who the hell was he?

"Yeah your flirting is…" a small _ahem_ from Logan interrupted their little scene…I was fuming, that fucking show off, now he looked all happy with his _boyfriend_ just after he got my other friends to bitch on me…somehow I was glad to see this because it only meant that maybe that kiss was because he was horny or something, the same slut as ever…it was safe to say I was relieved to think that it wasn't something complicated as the _L_ word…sure like James could love someone other than himself for that matter.

"Oh, yeah guys this is Luca, Luca this are Logan, Carlos and Kendall" the dude shaked Logan and Carlos´ hand and moved back to James´ side completely ignoring me.

"Not that isn't a _pleasure_ to get to know James´ new _boyfriend_, but we have to get inside and learn the new song" I got up and walked to studio A where Gustavo was.

"Are all the guys here?" inquired Kelly.

"Yeah" I walked to get in my usual seat as the producer yelled for the other guys, they all walked in, Logan looking really frustrated, Carlos glaring at me and James had a sad grin on his face...I didn't even bother to look at the new guy´s face.

"Who are you?" asked Gustavo giving Luca a weird look.

"A friend, can he stay to hear the song?" spoke James.

"Sure whatever, now the lyrics are here take a look at them and we will use the same melody James used just adding some other instruments and picking up the speed when we reach the chorus" I looked at the lyrics, the fucking drama queen of course had to make a song telling everybody that he was feeling down, such an egocentric prick…and I just sang the chorus in the entire song, _perfect_…it got even _better_ when I saw that James was the only one singing it with me, the other guys would be just backing us up.

"Now to the sound booth, you guest dog! Stay here!" I sighed walking there holding the sheet in front of me as Carlos and Logan began singing. Thankfully James was all the way to the other end of the room and I couldn't see his stupid sad expression, like always he was making a show out of every fucking thing. I mean dude like I hadn't hit him before! Back in Minnesota we got into millions of fights and arguments, I had told him lots of times that I was so mad I didn't want to be friends with him, why the fuck was this time any different? Against all of my instincts I looked at my side to see him sing his part. His eyes shined like I had never seen them before, like liquid gold, his voice was even more beautiful than ever, so soft and deep…his face was relaxed but he had his hands fisted, digging his nails on his palm, like the song really brought sorrow to his soul, like maybe it wasn't so much for his crave for attention…why was it so hard to accept that I was being an ass with my best friend and that this time I was really making him suffer? Why was I so mesmerized for his profound expression? I was so focused on seeing his lips move that I almost lost my time to start singing, I waited for the little piano solo and made myself sure to equal his emotion in every word because even if I was completely freaked by him I wanted to make his song beautiful…the only nice thing I could do for him at the moment. I lowered my gaze as I sang, our voices merged together perfectly, like they were meant to be together…who knew James could write like this? I was supposed to know him better than anyone but in the last couple of days he had given me some big surprises and honestly I had no idea what to do, I just needed him away from me to think clearly…and maybe to forget all I knew about him and get to know him again…for real this time, but for that I had to get over my anger…which apparently didn't want to go away at all.

"Yesterday I died, tomorrow´s bleeding…fall into your sunlight" he finished prior looking at his hands; his eyes were dark and unreadable, something that I hadn't witnessed in all the eleven years I had known him. I let my eyes follow his gaze and frowned when I saw his blood stained hand; Carlos and Logan hadn't seen this, they were getting instructions from Gustavo, Kelly was talking to Luca and the sound guy was looking at the controllers, no one was putting a lot of attention on us and James appeared to have noticed this as his thumb made its way to a ugly cut he had in his right palm and before I knew it he was digging his nail on the cut _hard_, the moment he did that his eyes got glassy and they seemed to unfocused for a second, his expression tensed right before he began to relax not losing the pressure of his grip. When I saw a little drop of blood I decided that it was enough, I got up trying not to bring attention and walked to stand in front of him, he didn't even see me until I kneel in front of him carefully unraveling his hand, I saw his crumbled shirt on the floor and I used it to clean the blood, he kept still even when I raised my gaze to look inside his eyes.

"Physical pain beats emotional pain?" I said getting into his somehow foreign hazel eyes…it was like looking at a complete estranger, I couldn't decipher any of his emotions and I did not like that at all.

James PoV

Yes. But he couldn't know that.

Thanks to that I could look into his emerald gaze without falling into pieces because I had my head clear and I was certain that I wanted peace, to stop feeling trapped in my own life, to stop pretending only to make my friends less awkward, I needed to know how far could I still go because I wouldn't put myself in this situation every shitty day and at the end be thrown away only for liking other man. I closed my eyes letting myself feel Kendall´s hands around mine, my heart took two painful beats before I dared to look around freeing my hand from his hold and standing up. My movement was so fast that my chair fell to the floor getting everyone´s attention…now or never.

"I´m gay" I said and every sound on the room seized to exist except from five breaths intakes, one light chuckle and a sigh…the painful thing was that Kendall was the one laughing.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4

James PoV

"What?" blurted Logan looking at me wide eyed.

"You heard him" said Kendall stopping his laugh parade as he straighten himself "James is actually…for real…_Jamie_" I glared at him, oh with that emotional clearness also came in the rage towards the blond asshole I had in front of me…now I heard Luca´s voice clearly in my head letting me know how stupid I was for being all _kicked puppy_ with Kendall´s attitude.

"Could you _please_ stop calling me that?" I growled.

"Yeah Kendall, that´s not nice" I heard Carlos say, at least one of my friends was on my side, I knew Carlos was more loyal than a dog "That's why you were so upset this morning?"

"Kind of" I shrugged looking at him.

"Did you already know this Kendall?" inquired Logan giving him a suspicious look.

"Not that he was gay, I just thought he was bi-_curious_" I rolled my eyes, _really?_ "But I guess being the way he is you can´t expect any different"

"Did you punched him just because he´s gay? Are you a fucking homophobic?" screamed Kelly surprising all of us, that was so nice to hear.

"I fucking hit him because he kissed me!" Shit, I did not expect him to tell that. Now everybody looked at me searching for denial, well I was not lying my bests friends, was I?

"Hey he´s cute and sexy, any gay dude with eyes can see that, I wanted to know how it felt like" I shrugged smiling when I saw Kendall narrow his eyes…so the jerk had figured out that I felt something for him and still treated me like trash? Oh _way _to power the anger Kendork! Now I´m gonna make you pay!

"James that´s also not nice, you don't go around kissing people cuz you want to!" scowled Carlos…if only he knew, but I was ok with them bitching on me if that meant giving Kendall some hell.

"Yeah I could see that once Kendall started to be an ass about it" I turned to the stunned blond "Dude you´re supposed to be my best friend, not someone to be an ass the minute he finds out I´m different"

"I didn't know! You harassed me…"

"Unless…" I crooked an eyebrow with a smug smile taking some of the confusion and anger I saw in his eyes to make myself talk "I did something you wanted to do all along and you got upset because you didn't have the balls to do it in the first place" I kept my gaze on his eyes not wanting to know the reactions of the other people in the room…I was a little shaken that Gustavo hadn't said anything yet.

"W-what?" he stuttered.

"Maybe you´re so hostile towards me because you have the same problem that bully from Glee has…you´re a closet gay" I saw him pale before his face turned bright red in anger the moment Luca started laughing…if there was one thing Kendall knight hated more than anything was somebody laughing at him.

"Shut. The. Fuck. Up" he hissed looking ready to punch anything that came in his way…only this time the only one in front of him was me and I was not letting him lay a hand on me again "Don't try to turn this on me _Jamie_" I winced fisting my hands, he was begging for a nice beat down "Besides I haven't been any different from other times, you´re the one over reacting with all of this…maybe you have _someone´s_" he glared at Luca then back at me "Dick way up your ass and it´s starting to mess with that brain of yours …" he didn't get to end because he was too busy eating my fist. Kelly let out a small yell, maybe she was used to us fake fighting but she had never seen a real fight, and between four hockey players those never ended up well…and with all the rage I felt right now it would be even worse.

"Fuck you Kendall!" I screamed towering his figure on the floor "I´m done with listening to your insults and taking your shit, I'm done with _you_…if you want to treat me like scum _fine_ but don't except me to treat you any differently…from now on you and me are just workmates and don't fucking talk to me unless it´s _completely_ necessary" I raised my eyes searching for Gustavo "Any problem with me being gay?"

"I´m a boy band producer I´m used to this kind of shit" he shrugged "I don't care who you like unless that stops you from working your ass up"

"Don't worry´bout that…see you tomorrow" I smiled like my _ex_ best friend wasn't sitting on the ground wiping his bleeding lip taking Luca by the arm and walking away; I felt good, my knuckles hurt and my hand sent needles of pain though my arm, that helped me focus. When we reached the lobby I closed my eyes sighing.

"Dude, you are my hero" I heard Luca say putting his hand on my shoulder "He doesn't deserve you and that was so awesome" he took my hand and dragged me outside "Let´s go to my car and pick up your stuff"

"Yeah" I smiled still in my pain induced cloud…maybe with time I will get over Kendall, after all I was just going to see him a couple of hours a day…and like I said to him we were done. Luca walked me to his nice orange chevy, it looked like a fun car a little like his owner. We got in and headed to the Palm Woods. When we got there he followed me to 2J.

"James! Honey I was so worried!" exclaimed mama Knight as I entered and embraced me in a big hug, I had to swallow a big bump in my throat…the high was reaching its end and the ache in my chest was slowly growing back.

"Don't be, I´m good and you know where the apartment is, you can go visit anytime" I smiled my _model_ smile, the only one fake enough for me to master at this moment "I just came to pick up my stuff…this is Luca, a friend that´s here to help me"

"Afternoon ma´am" he greeted following me to my room, the minute I walked in the air left my lungs leaving me frozen in the entrance…this was going to be so hard. I swallowed away my fear taking my bag and starting to get my clothes inside, Luca roamed the room stopping when he saw a picture of me and Kendall when we were young, I let my hand caress the scar on my neck lowering my gaze…my favorite picture, it was right after the day I got out of the hospital, I was pale and my hair was a mess but I was the happiest boy alive because Kendall had saved me and he was right there with his arm across my shoulders with a bright smile, we looked so happy and relaxed…I wished I could feel like that again some time. I shook my head walking to the bathroom and closing the door behind me before I started gathering all my products in a smaller bag, I saw my hand shake when I raised it to grab the last one and a sob escaped my lips, I didn't even realize that I was crying until that moment.

"Fuck…I hate you so much…why do you do this to me?" I whispered clenching my eyes grasping the sink, I had lost my best friend for good, I had lost my home and family…I hated it, I hated every single breath I could take inside that room feeling so shattered…I needed to feel nothing again, I needed to have my head clear…my eyes went straight to the scissors I had in my bag then to my injured hand, I let my nail dig inside the cut just like some minutes ago, I knew it wasn't enough and before I could think more about what I was doing I grabbed the scissors putting the blade next to the cut thinking that maybe if it was a little bigger it would help…two teardrops fell into the cut, one of them mixing with my blood and I widen my eyes realizing what I had been doing and what was I about to do. My breaths got erratic clearly triggering a asthma attack as I let my scissors fall into the ground, I panicked going thought the shelves for my inhaler feeling my lungs close, my eyes watered even more as the pain got bigger…when I found it I had started to see black dots, I took a deep breath and laid on the floor hugging my knees hearing the words he had screamed at me that morning four years ago.

_Why did you do it? You're too important for this! Don't do this James! You have to live, for me! Please! Please…_

I closed my eyes continuing with my deep breaths, all I ever did was live for him, maybe I acted like a ego maniac but that was my cover, I couldn't spend a day without seeing his smile at least once a day, I couldn't fall asleep without chatting with him a little or hearing his usual _nighty James_, or those seldom times when I big thunder storm stroked LA leaving him a mess…little people knew that the fearless Kendall Knight was terrified of lightning's –who wouldn't be if that was the reason you father was dead and you had been right there to see it-, those nights we would stay up all knight talking or just being there next to each other, trying to distract him from the memories…that was the only thing that hadn't change over the months we had in this place because the first time it happened I had promised him that I would be there for him every time…now I was going to break that promise for life and that made me hate myself and _him_ even more, if I wasn't so impulsive I might have never kissed him and things would be normal…if he hadn't been such an ass with me we might have get this thought…I had never asked for him to feel the same way I felt for him, I had that thought clear sense I admitted that I loved him…it didn't mean that it hurt less…it didn't mean that I hadn't felt fireworks when our lips touched for those two seconds…it didn't mean that being apart from him wouldn't destroy what was left of me, but I had to get together because my hellish day wasn't over, I still had to finish packing and go to work…welcome to your new crappy life James because even if I felt like this I knew for sure that it was nothing compared to what I could feel if I stayed at that damn place, it was time to say good bye to the 2J and _finally_ say good bye to being James _the face_ Diamond and start being…just me.

Kendall PoV

_Jamie_… a name I knew he despised with all his being and I had called him like that more than once in a single day…best friends fights, always the best ones because we knew exactly where it hurt the most and we attacked that part merciless until we realized that by hurting that person so dear to our soul we were only hurting ourselves and that it would never help us feel better. I could make a nice book about his shit, the only problem was that I didn't understand the fucking shit that went thought my mind over the past two days…that until my best bud had knocked some sense into me…literally.

I wasn't implying that I was less confused about well _everything_ I just didn't feel the urge to snap at him at all, now I was sitting at a bench in the palm woods park silently watching him load the small orange car with his stuff, even from afar I could see his red eyes and his dull expression…his _high_ was gone, I was glad of this, it meant that he didn't hurt himself anymore but at the same time I felt a sharp pang in my gut…it was like all those years ago, what could he possibly feel to think that hurting himself physically was better than the ache of his heart? I didn't understand it then and I didn't understand it now…not that I had never asked him about it, I was pretty sure he didn't know I knew what had really happen when we were thirteen.

When I watched him get inside the car and going away I got up and walked back to the apartment, I passed by the lobby, the elevator and our living room not putting much attention. I took a deep breath as I took the handle in my hand thinking of that afternoon, I had laughed because yeah it was funny to think of James the Casanova was gay, I hadn't intended to sound so harsh, it was just plain funny…of course if I had explained that to him instead of calling him that damn name he wouldn't hate me right now…and then he starts saying all that shit and I obviously got pissed, I mean I'm fucking straight! He can't go around making fun of my manhood! I groaned opening the door and stepping inside…the room looked empty, we hadn't really made the whole _your side my side_ deal because normally we didn't care if the other took our stuff, so now my things looked lonely scattered around the room. His bed was made with the hotel sheets instead of his own t-shirt blue sheets that he loved so much, I walked to the bathroom grimacing when I saw the empty shelves, it hurt to see all of James Diamond's trail lost from my room, I walked to his bed and looked at the floor…I wanted to apologize and tell him that I was an idiot, I didn't mind swallowing my pride to get back my best bud, but then something caught my attention, I frowned when James' hazel eyes looked at me from a wrinkled paper on the trashcan, I went down to get that piece of paper just to find our bright smiles and brotherly hug in a picture…the day he came out of the hospital…the day I begged him to stay with me because I couldn't lose my best bud…the picture that I knew he liked the most, was now trash to him. _I'm done with you_…I sat on his bed thinking that even if I did lead the group and helped them when I could, I knew I was a hard friend to have, too impulsive and angry all the time, not always supportive or caring about what he wanted, yeah I had helped him become a pop singer but the minute things got hard I had bailed on him, ditched him and tried to replace him…he didn't even get mad at me for that…

"I said I wanted him away from me to get things straight…be careful what you wish for Kendall because it can backfire and fuck you up when you least expect to" I said to myself closing my eyes, I had been away from him before, it shouldn't be too hard to treat him like the estranger he really was…right?

**Sooo? This is short I know, but don't worry next one will be longer and more fun ;P if you know what I mean …NOT THAT YOU PERVERTS! I just thought some fun time with the guys! Geez! lol**

**Okaaay thank you so much for your reviews! They made my day and fuel my writing xD**

**Take care!**


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5

James PoV

Is anybody out there?  
>It feels like I'm talkin´ to myself<br>No one seems to know my struggle  
>And everything I come from<br>Can anybody hear me?  
>It guess I keep talkin´ to myself<br>It feels like I'm going insane  
>Am I the one whose crazy?<p>

I was lying on my bed hearing Eminem´s new album…or it was more_ accurate_ to say, hearing the same song over and over again…_talking to myself_, it just fit me like a glove. It had been three weeks sense I left and I had never felt so alone, so numb and empty. I wanted to say that I was happy with a nice job, a new friend a nice home…but none of that helped me get rid of the hole I had inside after tearing Kendall away from me.

So why in the world do I feel so alone  
>Nobody but me, I'm on my own<br>Is there anyone out there  
>Who feels the way I feel<br>That there is then let me in and let me know I'm not the only one?

I hadn't sleep much, I was fucking tired, being a waiter on third turn wasn't a path of roses, besides that I had to go for tutoring to a public school and work at the studio…no more tanning hours for James, no more expensive Cuda products, no more spending hours in front of the mirror to get perfect hair…and on top of that we were going to a small tour in three days…one week traveling around the country on the confined space of a van with Kendall…I had no idea how I was suppose to endure that. Growling I got up and walked to the shower…a bright new day, more time to ignore Kendall…well it wasn't ignoring if he wasn't talking to me either, was it?

I showered fast, changed in comfy clothes, got my uniform in my bag, grabbed a power bar for breakfast and ran outside knowing that if I didn't hurry I would miss the bus. After I was sitting inside the bus taking deep breaths I let myself look through the window at the early LA life, it was 7 am and only at this hour you could see the true beauty of the city, without the annoying traffic or the hundreds of people around, that sight gave me peace and helped me to get my emotions in line before I could face the blond. Thankfully the trip was short and I was out in no time rushing inside the Rouque Records building, I smiled at the doorman before I got inside the elevator.

"Wait!" someone yelled and I pushed the button to keep the doors open…just to grimace when I saw Kendall walking in "Thanks" he ducked his head resting his hands on his knees as he took deep breaths…why did the studio had to be on the 14th floor? "The guy´s didn't wait for me" he smiled and I kept my gaze to the front letting my hands on my pockets "Still no talking to me? Not even small talk?" I didn't need to ignore him more because the elevator stopped and a couple of people came inside…making me move to the left right at Kendall´s side, the minute his cologne reached my nostrils my heart rate quicken, my hands got sweaty and my knees weakened…so long without being this near to him was taking its bill making everything a thousand times _more_. The elevator reached another stop making the space even less, now I could feel his breaths on my neck sending chills though my body "Isn't Luca coming today?" I bit back an annoyed growl, ever sense that fight he had only spoken to me to mock my relationship with the Italian dude, I had successfully overlook this thanks to that numbness I felt…besides every time Luca was there he had proven he could take care of Kendall just well. I tensed when I felt his forehead pressed on my shoulder.

"What are you doing?" I asked using all my will power to shove him away.

"Don't get your panties exited I´m just falling asleep" he yawned. I decided to don't say a thing hoping that the damn thing hurried, when we reached our floor I practically jumped out of that box of terror hearing Kendall´s light chuckle behind me. I didn't put much attention to him as I walked to meet the guys.

"Morning" I said in a happy tone "Carlos, Luca said you owe him five bucks because Manchester won" my friend whined screaming some things in Spanish I didn't quite catch. He and Luca had become close thanks to soccer, being that my latin friend loved the sport but neither of us liked it he was happy to have someone to talk about it.

"Stupid chicharito" he mumbled making me smile, at least two of my friends didn't become total assholes and accepted Luca just perfectly.

"Hey James, Kelly just told us we´ll have the day off tomorrow" said Logan smiling "Maybe we could hang at the bar with you tonight" I gave him a knowing look, he was all willing to forget about Camille thanks to the bar tender apprentice, she was the kind of girl that frighten most of the guys because she was studying and working, had her priorities in order and she was kind of scary, but for Logan…he saw her like the girl of his dreams.

"It´s Karla´s day off" I said simply and I saw how his face fell.

"Oh I j-just remembered I have tons of homework" he stuttered sitting on the couch grimacing.

"Dude you can be a little more obvious" mocked Carlos.

"Obvious about what?" asked Kendall´s voice from behind me.

"He´s in love with a girl from James´ work" explained the latin "If you had gone with us at least once you might had seen her" yeah that didn't work for me, that bar was the only place I could successfully escape my thoughts of the blond and I did not need any memories of him being there.

"I´m not sure James wants me there, besides its filled with soccer stuff and I don't like it" he walked and placed his hand on my shoulder to move me aside, it wasn't harsh or anything, just a simple light shove to let him pass but the spot where his hand had touched me started burning and a huge need to hug him rushed through my body…yes I missed the closeness we had before and this lack of _Kendall_ was killing me so painfully that if he wasn't the way he was being I was sure I would forgive him…I just loved him too much to keep myself apart from him.

"But its football season, and we´ll watch the games in there…I´m sure James won´t mind that much…would you James?" damn you Carlitos and your puppy dog eyes.

"He can go" I decided to go for indifference, like he didn't affect me anymore. I sat next to Logan waiting for Gustavo to arrive. I stopped moving when I saw him tower over me looking directly into my eyes, my heart beat erratically, what was with him a contact today? After three weeks of not acknowledging each other suddenly he was _there_.

"Do you want me to go? Or do you prefer if I don't?" his emerald orbs were unreadable and this made me feel unsure, normally I could see the cynicism, the mock, the anger…I could see every single emotion inside but now it was blank and I didn't like it.

"I don't care if you go or not go" he smiled but his eyes kept indecipherable.

"Don't worry I won go" before any of us could do something more Gustavo came in view.

"Dogs! I have lots to do for our next tour, so today will be some harmonies and dance practice then you´ll have the next three days free so you can work your shit before we go…Kendall and James" we turned to face him "Come to my office, and you two start dancing!" I swallowed kind of knowing what he was about to say. I got up and followed him not moving my eyes from the back of the producer's head, once we were in he made us sit in front of him "This has gone for far too long" _No shit_, last time we had fought we didn't even make it though the day "I cant let fans see that you hate each other on the tour, you have to make peace because even if you aren't arguing anymore ignoring the other is almost the same thing" I looked at my hands I was not going down without an apology.

"Yeah, yeah keep your pretty image clean" said Kendall making me frown, I was getting ready for an insult in every second "But lets face it, even if they find out we hate each other they wont care, it will give them some more fandom to have fun with" okay I didn't expect that at all "and I have to ask, are you making public James'… preferences?"

"I have nothing to hide" I snarled at him "Unlike certain _others_"

"James that joke is old, try make your little brain function for a better one, tell Luca to stop fucking you so hard and maybe you can" he gave me a smug smile, yeah the one that was fucking me –and not in the fun way- was him.

"You talk a lot about Luca's dick, doesn't that mean that you want it to be in _your_ ass?" oh that shut him up "I will behave if he stops being a jerk" I told Gustavo.

"I was being nice today and you ignored me!" he practically yelled startling me and the producer, he got up and glared at me "I wont apologize and you know why, but I stand in what I said, fans don't care if we hate each other, and I don't give a fuck about the media, so yeah go back to your silence treatment" said this he went out…I was confused, wasn't I suppose to be the hurt one? I hadn't done anything to him.

"Was he being nice?" in normal standards no but in Kendall standards he was pretty decent…damn it.

"Kind of"

"Then let me tell you this, if I see or hear another fight like this both of you will go home and don't worry I can handle telling Kendall this, so make peace or you're fired, now go" I sighed and walked out only to find Luca chatting with Logan.

"Don't you have a home or some place to be at instead of here at 8 am?" I joked giving him a one arm hug.

"Sadly not really" he smiled tousling my hair "I'm hearing that you guys are free for the next days, that's awesome, some more time to hang before you go"

"Yeah wish you could come but it's kind of hard" he nodded sadly.

"So, are you guys going to the bar tonight?" he looked around "You could come too" he said to Kendall and I gave him a weird look, I had no idea why in world did he seem to like him even if the blond was a complete jackass every time they saw each other.

"And watch you fuck James? No thanks" mumbled Kendall without raising his head from his phone, almost in an automatic way.

"Yeah the invitation is still up" chuckled the Italian.

"You are crazy" I whispered so only he would hear me "Why do you talk to him? I thought you hated him on the first day and all the sudden you act like his words are just a joke"

"I found out _some_ things and he was your best friend and he is Carlos and Logan's best friend, I think he might be a cool guy" he shrugged not loosing his smile as I started with the harmonies under Kelly's watch. I just gave him another weird look before deciding to ignore him, he could do whatever he wanted.

Kendall PoV

Why did Luca keep looking at me like that? Like he was laughing at me on the inside, his amused eyes shined every time I lost my nerve and insult him…well I didn't expect someone sane to be James' new _best friend_ but he was _too _weird. I rolled my eyes before I walked to the restroom wanting to get out of Logan's disapproving looks, Carlos' hurt puppy eyes and James' indifference, I didn't see the crazy Italian following me in there until he was in front of me with a stupid grin on his face.

"What the fuck do you want?" I snarled and his smile grew.

"You are jealous of me and James" he said.

"What? How could I be jealous of you? You _have_ to spend the whole day with that idiot, he's clinging on you, h-he…" laughs with you, he seems happy with you "Your point?"

"At first I didn't like that you were such a prick, but then I started seeing the daggers on your eyes every time I touch James's hair, or when we say something about what we did the day before…Kendall I really think you're…" the door got open and James walked in frowning…for the first time in a while I didn't like that he interrupted something with his presence.

"Am I interrupting something?" he gave a weird look to Luca and glared at me, so the pretty boy didn't know about this little _approach_.

"Nah and I need to go" I passed them and walked outside, I knew Gustavo was going to bitch on me for leaving the studio but I couldn't stay there anymore. If you asked me what had happened over those three weeks I might tell you that I had taken a bad decision after the other, that I was more confused that I had ever been in my entire life and that…I missed James in a way that was barely bearable.

I sighed when I was out of the building and grasped the keys to the BTR mobile, Logan and Carlos had left me behind…now it was their turn to take the buss home. I got inside the car and began the short drive back to the palm woods. I was a jealous person I knew that, but I had never been too possessive over my friends, normally they did what they wanted to and I ended up with a simple _I don't wanna know_…but also I had never been away from them for too long, specially from James -except from that time before our first big concert- I was used to have him there at arms reach, to laugh at his stupid jokes, to be annoyed every time ne nagged me to do more exercise to get _pretty_ like him, to be comforted by him…fuck I just couldn't get him out of my mind, damn it!

I parked the car and got outside already angry…what was with him and getting me al worked up? I decided to go for a morning smoothie so I walked there finding Camille sitting reading a script…which reminded me how many times James had helped her run some lines.

"One pink smoothie" I ordered trying to stop thinking about him "Thanks" I began drinking it while I went inside the lobby remembering our last lobby hockey match before all of this started…was I the reason he was all distracted during that match? I shook my head going to the pool…until my eyes landed on his tanning chair making me remember every day he was there letting the sun kiss his rock hard body, his relaxed expression, a light cape of sweat covering his sexy arms…wait WHAT?

"Fuck!" I hissed covering my eyes with my hands letting the smoothie fall into the ground, this had happened a couple of times before…sense when did I start thinking that James was in any way sexy? Or that his body was rock hard sculpted or…I had to get the fuck out of there. I practically ran to the elevator and pushed the button like a maniac until the doors closed, I sighed going for the same trail of thought that had been inside my mind for every second in those fucking three weeks: I was straight as a wall…_right?_ I wish I could answer that with a _straight _NO but…damn fucking James Diamond and his stupid kiss!

"Hey big bro" greeted Katie when I got in 2J, she was still in her PJ's reminding me that it was just around ten…I still had a whole day ahead of me and the only thing I wanted to do was to lay in my bed and sleep trying to escape my thoughts "Why are you here?"

"Got a few days free before the tour" I mumbled before locking myself in the room going directly at James' bed…don't ask me why because _I_ didn't even know.

I had replayed in my head every single of my memories involving James…that made most of my memories, even the day my father died he had been there…in every single thunder storm…I had been unfair to him telling him that I was disgusted about thinking of him checking me out…well maybe at first but then…then those eyes had followed me into dream land…those hazel orbs making my body burn, his hands touching me…I started thinking that if you thought much about one thing –even if it was disguising- you might began to find it less gross and more…sexy.

And just like that I had begun to hate Luca because I really had no idea what kind of relationship he and James had, because like he had just said to me, I hated the freedom James gave him to mess his hair, the way they hugged each other, they way they laughed…it was too much to lose the best of your best friends and then find out you're kind of, maybe…a _little_ attracted to him. I groaned turning my face to my pillow, I was angry yeah but there was also a sadness inside of me that didn't let me get rid of any bad emotion. I had already compared how I felt now to how I had felt when Jo left and…the pain in my chest wasn't even close to the little sting I had after she left.

"Brother?" I heard Katie's voice outside the door.

"What is it?"

"Want to talk?" Was I about to tell my baby sis that I was confused as in _confused_ about me…not in this lifetime.

"I'm fine, just leave me, ok?" _fine_ is an ambiguous word.

"You have to talk to somebody, if you miss Jo maybe you should call her, its been a while sense I saw you ichatting her" surprisingly I hadn't thought about her in a long time, but being her my forth most trusted person I could guess it was a good idea to talk to her…being that I had no idea how to tell my other two best friends how I felt. Thinking this I got out my phone and texted her.

**Time for a little ichat?**

She had always nagged me about my long words while texting, but I didn't care I always liked to write right, she replied fast enough.

**Luv 2, trn now!**

I moved to a sitting position as my phone started ringing, I answered it and her smiling face came in view…huh I did not feel a thing, maybe it was because she was on the phone…yeah that must be it because I was sure I had loved her so…I _had loved_? Why was I thinking in past tense? She hadn't been away that much.

"Hey there!" she said happily, I just smiled and waved…and she frowned totally noticing something wasn't right with me "What is it?"

"What's what?" I played dumb scratching the back of my head.

"Kendall tell me"

"I-I…h-how…if I told you that…" ugh why was this so hard? Maybe it was because once said it out loud it became real…and this kind of things were terrifying when whey became real "I-I'm confused"

"About what?"

"I'm confused as in _confused_" I let my words hung in the air a little while before she got them widening her eyes and saying something I could never guess she would say.

"Fuck you Camille!" I blinked seeing her cover her mouth, she wasn't very comfortable at swearing and even less at cursing her best friend.

"What does Camille has to do with anything?" she bit her lip not looking at me, probably testing her options.

"When I told her about that time when you and I…well you know…she said that she was surprised about it" I opened my mouth to ask but she beat me "She says that she though you were from the other team…like James"

"James?" did they know about James? For how long? Why did he trust them more than his best friend? Okay I do not want to answer that without a lawyer…I had all the rights in the world to be pissed at him! _Aha_…yeah even my own mind thought I was fooling myself.

"D-don't tell me you didn't knew?" she covered her mouth with her hands "Well its kind of logical…otherwise you wouldn't let him near you" she started rambling to herself "And all the trouble I got through to get you to myself! Ugh so much time lost thanks to that…guy…and wait…WAIT! You said you were confused!" she yelled pointing at the screen "Sense when?"

"Sense he kissed me" her jaw hit the floor.

"And what did you do?"

"I hit him" she sighed relieved…she feared that I had done something more? Okay time to talk to Camille.

"Ah thank God, he's not right for you…I mean if you decide to go gay the last person you should go for is James" I frowned.

"Why do you say that?"

"Because he's in… an egocentric jerk" she totally changed her words…I wonder what she really wanted to say.

"Hey he's my best friend! Don't talk about him like that!"

"And I was your girlfriend and you didn't defend me when he said I was a bitch!"

"When did he say that?"

"I know he thinks it" she mumbled looking away…I kind of knew it too but at the moment I couldn't take her insulting James.

"Do you have any good way to help me or are you just going to piss me off?" she frowned, I rarely talked like that to her.

"Hey it's not my fault that you _just_ found out you liked dicks better than boobs" did I really put up with her for almost a year?

"Well thank you for telling me that, I already know what I want" _not really_, she had just angered me and not helped me at all "Bye, bye" I hung up. With al the romance in those last weeks with her I had forgotten about her bitchy ways…oh well I had to figure things out on my own and maybe have a little chat with Camille later, for now I just wanted to listen to music and think of a way to get this straight so I could, possibly –hopefully- mend things with James.

**Soo a little filler chapter…not really because we can really see inside Kendall's mind…he's a little confused lol**

**Thank you for all of you that took the time to review! Really I need your thought people because I can be a little –a lot- unsure of things! Also thanks for the faves and alerts!**

**Bye bye!**

**P.S. beware, sexy long chapter ahead!**


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6

James PoV

"I´m bored" whined Carlos from his spot on the table I had just cleaned.

"Go find Luca and see what he´s doing" I told him.

"He´s not here, Gio said he sent him to run some errands" he had a clear confusion face, even I that was more used to the weird ways of speaking the owner had "What does that even mean?"

"It means that he´s out doing something" I shrugged not completely sure myself.

"James your job is boring" Carlos whined even harder.

"It´s not, being there sitting whining is what´s boring" I chuckled because yeah my job wasn't boring, I actually found cleaning tables soothing and relaxing.

"Yeah and you do nothing to entertain me, I´m being the good friend being here with you and you do nothing about it" I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah after you practically made me invite Kendall here, you deserve it" I couldn't stop myself from letting him know in what situation he had put me through.

"Don't be like that! You two are like brothers to me I hate that you´re fighting this bad" he rested his elbow on the table and his head on his hand looking at me with sad eyes "Why do you act like this? Is not that Logan or I haven't called you Jamie before and you never snapped at us like that" I stopped my cleaning shores resting my hands on the table sighing, I could guess I owed to them the truth and I knew that even if Carlos was immature in a lot of stuff, if I asked him to keep a secret he would take it to the grave. Besides I was feeling strong and good today for the first time in weeks, it was now or never.

"I won´t talk this in here, come on" I signaled him to follow me and he did smiling at the fact that I was willing to tell him the truth, we were about to go in the kitchen when he heard someone calling for us.

"Carlos! James!" it was Logan who was smiling more than I had seen him smile in years, apparently he hadn't have that much homework after all "What is up ma´dear fellas?" I exchanged a look with Carlos only to go back to Logan thinking that he had finally lost it.

"What happened to you?" he sighed making that uncharacteristic flirt Logan face…wow.

"Can I tell you later? I wanna maintain the magic" he asked us, Carlos nodded before taking both of our hands and pulling us to the kitchen and giving me a concerned look.

"You won´t get away from this because Logie´s in love" okay this Carlos kind of freaked me out, but we all knew that when it came to keeping his friends safe he became all serious Carlos until things were happy and good again…I guess I´ll have to get used to this Carlos because things would never get the way they were before.

"What is going on?" inquired Logan finally focusing on our solemn expressions.

"James was about to tell me what is going on with him and Kendall" I could almost hear a click from my nerdy friend´s brain when the latin said this because he gave me a deep look waiting for my explanation…maybe by coming clean I could really get over Kendall a little easily.

"I-I have no idea where to start" I groaned sitting on the floor knowing that no one got in the kitchen after 9 pm, so we were clear.

"In the beginning will be nice" said Carlos sitting next to me with Logan in front of us, now they looked even more worried.

"I found out I was gay when I was eleven" I started deciding that they needed to know this about me and most of all, I needed to tell them, to trust them with my life again.

"Why didn't you tell us?" asked Logan looking hurt.

"Everything we do revolves around girls, I thought it would be awkward and weird between us…at that time not even my parents knew" I scratched my head "I found out because…"

"You fell in love with Kendall" Carlos words sunk in as a statement in my body, if someone knew me as well as they did…it was easy to know…well except for Kendall, and_ he_ said I was the dense one!

"Yeah" I sighed and they both groaned knowing how much that complicated things "I made so many stupid decisions guys" I passed my hands though my face before touching the scar on my neck "I told you that I got this scar on a hunting trip with my dad…well that was a lie" I sounded my throat "Kendall knew it"

"H-how did you get a scar like that?" spoke Carlos getting closer to examine it, it was small about half an inch, cross shaped "Or in there?"

"When I was thirteen I was just the chubby friend…a fat gay kid, and that was great for bullies" they looked at each other before looking at me like I was crazy.

"You were never bullied" said Logan slowly.

"Not in school, but at my father´s house I had a hard time" I shrugged and they nodded grimacing, normally I lived at my mom´s house that was a couple of blocks from Logan and Carlos´ house and right next to the Knights, but my dad lived in the upper side of town, where all the rich and snobby kids lived and they did not accept a fat kid easily…and that was for every summer and weekend "Anyways…I started feeling not so good about myself…they even made me a song" I closed my eyes suddenly going back to those years as I told them my story.

"_Yo Porky! I saw you with your boyfriend the other day at the mall" said one of the kids when I was walking to get to the mini market "I guess Jimmy is really Jamie" the minute he said this, his friends started laughing before they started singing._

_Jamie, Jamie_

_Fatty little fag_

_He goes to buy ham_

_Cuz he likes it in his ass!_

"I successfully ran home with dry eyes but the minute I stepped inside my room I broke down for the first time in my life. I cried so hard for so long that when my dad got home from work I could barely open my eyes because they were too swollen" I saw how Logan mumbled _first time_ showing a worried expression before Carlos spoke in a angry tone.

"And Kendall said that same thing. Did he know about this?"

"Yes" I said with a faint voice.

"I am going to kill him" announced Logan starting to get up, I reacted fast pulling him so he stayed in his place.

"If I´m going to tell you this, is going to be the whole story so stay there" Carlos chuckled making me smile "So that´s why I hate that name…when one of you guys calls me like that I don't care because if you say it in a nice way, it doesn't hurt at all…but when Kendall said it, it was in the same way those jerks used to say it…that summer things got ever worst because all of you went to a hockey camp and I was there all by myself, it was too much to handle because even my dad was starting to get worried for not seeing what a normal growing kid would have or do…no porn magazines, no internet weird sites…I could guess he started to find out" I bit my lip "One day I was cleaning the back yard and I got a cut…and I found out that every time I pushed my nail into that cut everything went away, the pain, the heartache, the loneliness…"

"Please don't tell me that you started cutting" begged Logan taking my hand and beginning to examine it, I let him do it because that wasn't the way I had decided to hurt myself.

"Do you remember when Carlos hit you with the hockey puck in the stomach and you couldn't breathe right for the entire day?"

"Yeah my chest hurt like…" he widen his eyes when he figured out what I had done "Your asthma"

"I stopped taking my pills and started to do exercise…the pain in my lungs kept everything away…it felt so good to not have to feel anything" both of them were looking at me with their mouths open "Then Kendall got back because he pummeled some kid at camp…he stayed at my dad´s house with me and…things got awkward for me" I looked down sensing a blush in my cheeks…this was when they might start to feel disgusted and weird with me, just like Kendall when he found out.

"Little James wanted to play sword fight with little Kendall?" I closed my eyes letting out a breathless laugh at Carlos´ words, I looked up to see their amused expressions before all three of us started laughing, me for the relief of them not caring about that and them from the silliness of the joke.

"Not that much yet… but kind of" I said my smile faltering before taking a deep breath "One day we decided to take a walk, I was feeling a little dizzy but I tried not to show it because it could be either for the lack of air or the…" I stopped knowing that if I said that I would totally sound like a girl…I did not want that at all "Yeah…the thing is, those kids found us at the park and started singing that song…Kendall got really mad and started punching them, but they were too many so they charged after me…I couldn't fight them for long, then my throat decided to close…I fell into the ground…I don't really remember what happened after, just some shouts and blurry people" I massaged my temples, my head started aching like every time I tried to remember that time…only his words were engraved in my mind, even if now I didn't believe he meant them at all "My mom says I was in the hospital for two days, when I woke up they told me they had to do a…"

"Tracheotomy" murmured Logan looking at the scar then a very confused Carlos "They made a hole in his throat to put a tube directly to his lungs so he could breathe through that tube"

"That´s awful and cool at the same time" reasoned the latin "Then what happened?"

"The doctors found out that I hadn't taken the pill in a long time and took me to the shrink to know why…they got the truth out of me inside a hospital room…I had never seen my mom cry so much, she said that it was her fault that I almost died and my dad was the same" I explained in a tired tone "But I knew that it was just my fault…I was the one that decided I wasn't worth living anymo…" I shut up when I realized what I had just said…yeah they knew that I had harmed myself but I had put aside the fact that my main goal was to die and that if it wasn't for the paramedics I might had made it…or _not_ made it? "That…"

"What made you change your heart?" asked Logan in a steady voice while Carlos hugged me almost choking me.

"We love you James! Don't ever think that again!" he cried and I hugged him back before lightly pushing him aside.

"Don't worry I won´t" I sighed before looking at Logan "Kendall" I said softly, and he knew why that answered his question "He doesn't know it though…he just made me understand that I´m important and made me promise that I would never do something like that again…after that the doctor ordered me to get fit and to never leave my inhaler away so yeah I became _the face_ and I was happier…I lived with my crush for all this time and it only got worse when he quit being a hockey player to come here and let me have my dream…then Jo came in" I practically growled her name, Carlos chucked and Logan smiled before speaking.

"Yeah you could see how much you liked her…but dude you were fighting your allergies to get her, why did you do that?"

"Because the minute Kendall saw her I knew he would feel something special for her and I-I didn't think I could take him falling in love" I hugged myself.

"Well she was a bitch" shrugged Logan smiling "Okay so when she left why did you get all depressed? Shouldn't you be happy that we got Kendall back?"

"I finally understood that he will never love me they way I loved him…that´s why I was so upset and then he comes and tries to make me talk when I´m all fucked up thanks to him and I couldn't hold it anymore…and now he acts like an asshole, God I can´t even stand him anymore!"

"_Loved _him" murmured Carlos.

"I don't know…I still care about him but for the way he´s acting…I-I have to work" I got up…nah of course I still loved him, but it was too hard and embarrassing to let them know how hollow I was inside because of it. I got out and went back to working not noticing the hooded blond that was walking outside the bar.

Kendall PoV

Everything felt like a blur, I walked out of the bar after eavesdropping on my friends…James _had loved _me…James had attempted suicide because of me…I had been the one to make him stand up and now I was throwing him down again…things shouldn't be this messed up, I shouldn't be this fucked up! I put on my earplugs trying to get lost in the music while I walked not really going to a specific place.

Tonight we drink to youth

And holding fast to truth

I don´t want to lose what I had as a boy.

My heart still has a beat

But love is now a feat.

As common as a cold day in LA.

Sometimes when I´m alone, I wonder

Is there a spell that I am under

Keeping me from seeing the real thing?

_Perfect song to pick Kendall_. I seriously needed to update my music list because all the fucking songs I had just made things worse.

I closed my eyes and stopped walking taking a deep breath, after my talk with Camille and sulking in my room for the whole day I had decided that I needed to apologize to my best friend because even if I still had to figure out what I felt for him I wanted him in my life, I craved for my best friend. So I had taken the bus and go to that place, I had asked the owner for him and he told me he had just got inside the kitchen…I heard his words before I could move to open the door…he had been in love with me sense we were kids, sense I was just figuring out that girls weren't suppose to be gross…sense he was too insecure with himself that only I was let in.

I groaned changing the song…when Jo left and I was swelling on the couch he had pretty much yelled at me for not letting him in…until he made the stupid decision to get his heart broken by one of the Jennifers…and got us to spend the rest of the day together…and me off that couch and…fuck.

"Cut my life into pieces…this is my last resort" I mumbled following the lyrics, this time it was a better song that didn't make me want to mope in the floor. I saw a bench facing the sea so I decided that that was the spot for me tonight, I walked there and sat shutting the music to let myself relax in the sound of the waves as I replayed my conversation with Camille in my mind.

"_Did James tell you he´s gay?" directly to the case at hands of course, she widen her eyes before frowning and slapping me hard in the face…hard as in harder than she had ever slapped me._

"_It´s your fault that he´s gone, isn't it?" _

"_Yes" I looked at her in the eye, I was not lying about something everybody knew "When did he tell you?"_

"_I´ve been in LA for a while so my gaydar is quite sharp, but seeing his Casanova charade kind of tricked me, until we kissed that time when Logan broke up with me…I was so mad at him and he was so freaked about it that he screamed it at me" she took my hand and walked us to a table "Then he started with that obnoxious fake laugh of his and told me that it was lie and all but we both know that I didn't believe him that much…he still made me find him a girl that day at the beach and kept faking everything until you broke up with Jo"_

"_What does that have to do with…?"_

"_I´m not sure if I can tell you about it" she made an unsure gesture "But it does…I had never seen him so upset, and a couple of days later he´s GONE! What happened?"_

"_He decided to stop living near me…he found a job and…" she gave me a look that clearly said _tell me the truth or I´ll slap you even harder _so I took a deep breath "Jo knew something about this, didn't she?"_

"_She knew that he had a crush in you before I did" she sighed "That was why she wanted to have you close all the time because I had told her that you kind of…well that I thought you were _too _close to James" I looked at her with my mouth wide open._

"_What do you mean by that?"_

"_Well…you guys seem to have a deeper relationship…I don't know, besides I saw you hugging once and _that_ hug was nothing friendly" I frowned and she clearly saw my confusion "It was raining and you two were at the park under a tree…"_

"_I´m terrified of thunder storms" I mumbled finding the table suddenly interesting "And for a strange reason he´s the only one that knows…or was the only one" _

"_Why?"_

"_Because he was there the first time it happened and I made him promise to keep the secret…that time it started raining with no warning at all and I just paralyzed and he stayed there with me…and got an ugly cold for it" I smiled knowing what an awesome friend he was but then my smile turn into a grimace when it finally hit me…I had probably fucked our friendship for good._

"_Hey" she put her hand on top of mine "I know James, and you know him too…"_

"_Not really" I looked at her with a resigned expression "When you hear our new song, which he wrote, you´ll know how little we really know him…all that James the face Diamond shit is just for show…have you talked to him sense he moved?"_

"_Only texted him but he never has time, I´m seriously considering to go to the bar one of this nights just to see him" she shrugged._

"_Well when you do beware because he´s different" I took a deep breath "Either way I want to apologize and tell him how sorry I am for being such an ass with him…even if his new _best friend_ Luca is there to complicate things" she raised her eyebrow at my bitter tone when I said that._

"_He told me about him, why do you hate him Kendall?" she smiled mischievously "Is it because he spends so much time with James?" she wiggled her eyebrow and I started sweating…it was too much insinuation for one day…I was so not jealous of that dude! _Hahaha sure you´re not.

"_Oh…look at the time!" I saw my naked wrist "I have to go!" I laughed and stomped away from a laughing Camille…be a little more obvious Kendall!_

I looked at the stars thinking of James and for the first time I let myself think of him with the deep feelings I knew I had for him…not caring if they were friendship or something else, just the stuff that happened to me every time the brunette was close.

When we were kids he was the fun chubby kid, everybody loved him at school because well at first because they knew that if they hurt him they would have to deal with me but later when they got to know him, they saw the loyal, funny and sensitive kid inside…it was awful to know that he was also the silence tortured kid every time he went to his father´s house, he even changed the way he acted every time he was there, he became guarded of his feelings, closing up to people, hardly even talking to anyone…a lot like he was being now…fuck, how could I had forgotten that? There I was thinking that his sorrow was only for show when I had seen him all those years ago shattering little by little until he couldn't or wouldn't hold it anymore. After the _incident_ the doctors had made him get in shape, and puberty hit him hard making him what he was now…the hottest guy I had ever seen…wow thinking things like that didn't troubled me at all now…I could guess I was finally accepting this shit…now that a beating from Carlos and Logan was probably waiting for me at 2J, I deserved it for being the crappiest friend on earth but that didn't mean I was all willing to go home just yet.

"I guess I need to get drunk" I smiled knowing that I had my fake ID in my wallet…courtesy of James himself…yeah not really trying to stop thinking of him at all.

I got up and walked to a nearby club, I just needed to stop thinking for a while because all of this was giving me a mayor headache. I took away my hoodie breathing the salted air, nights like this made me love LA…it would be better if my friends weren't so pissed at me. I groaned rubbing my forehead as I stepped in line to get in, being Thursday it was fairly short for once.

"ID?" I showed it to him thinking that whoever had given it to James was a genius because the thing looked legit "Have a good time" and just like that I was in. I walked to the bar and sat on the farthest corner not wanting to talk to anyone, but I had a pretty good view of the entire place to keep me entertained.

"What are you having?" asked me the bartender

"A beer" I said in a lazy tone over the noise, he gave it to me and I almost finished it in one gulp.

"Wow someone wants to start fast" he chuckled "Getting ready for the ladies?"

"Not exactly" I grimaced, I could guess I had to get used to this because in all this time I had never even considered that I could be bi, it was just gay and gay and gay all over…I had lost my virginity to Jo and seriously it had been more because she had pushed me to do it, not really because I was horny or anything…the only times I had uncontrollably been aroused was now thanks to those dreams I kept having of James and I doing not so friendly stuff.

"Getting ready for the guys?" he raised his eyebrow not really being hostile about it…one more thing to love about LA: open minded people.

"One guy" I corrected him finishing the beer "One more please"

"Oh love problems, that is always entertaining" I saw that the bar wasn't that full so I could figure why the guy was a little bored "Wanna tell me before this place gets too crowded?"

"I found out my best friend was in love with me and I was a douche to him and now he hates me…now that I know I have more than friendly feelings for him" he grimaced and gave me a palm in my back.

"Things might look awful now but I say they can get better" I was about to speak when a soft laugh got into my senses.

"Run some errands! I tell you your uncle is one weird guy!" said James sitting in front of the bar right next to Luca, I swallowed knowing that they were closer to the exit where they would see me if I tried to walk away, so even if I looked completely ridiculous I put my hood on resting my head on my hands taking a deep breath…I didn't need to see him all cheery with that Italian.

"You already knew that! After all we´re related!" blah blah be all nice…_fuck you Luca!_ Okay I was a little jealous that he could make James laugh even like this…or that they were there having a great time drinking in a club when I was here trying to be invisible and not to cry…what had James Diamond reduced me to?

"He´s here?" whispered the bartender completely exited the moment he saw my behavior.

"Yep"

"Aren´t you going to tell me who is it?"

"Nope"

"Jerk" and with that my new friend was gone…well who needed a nosy bartender! I sighed letting my peripheral vision intercept James who was taking a shot before smiling and going to dance with _some dude_…WHAT THE FUCK! I didn't even think what I was doing before I was right next to Luca.

"Who is that?" he jumped at my tone before smirking.

"I have no idea, he just asked James to dance with him" I glared at him, how could he let James dance with a complete stranger…that was rubbing himself to the pretty boy in a high rated way "And you can´t do anything about it because if you go and make a scene James won´t even acknowledge you" damn he was right! After that day I knew James didn't want to talk to me at all and by doing something stupid I might ruin my chances of mending things with him…if I still had any chance at all.

"Fuck" I hissed passing a hand through my face "Don't tell him I´m here"

"I thought you would be going away now that he´s not here to see you…"

"I won´t go to leave him around that creep, he looks at least five years older than us! And you don't seem to be that much help" I gave him another glare before going back to my seat not taking my eyes away from James…it was safe to say that I felt my pants a little tighter just for seeing him move, with his eyes half open, a light cape of sweat in his skin…so damn hot.

"We need to get him away from that guy" now it was my turn to jump at Luca´s words, I turned to look at him frowning.

"What?"

"Look at James, but really look at him not drool over him" he sounded too concerned so I decided to save my remark for later shooting my eyes back to James and my frown deepened when I saw his hand massaging his temple and his flustered cheeks, the other dude was smiling before he started to nip James´ neck, the brunette grimaced lightly pushing away the man but he didn't seem too much into it "I think that guy drugged him…he offered James the first drink of the night and we thought it was inoffensive so he took it"

"You both are idiots!" I groaned getting up and running to get right in front of James "You´re going with me" I pushed aside the creep taking James´ hand.

"Hey dude! Get your own, this one´s mine!" I continued walking with James after I made that idiot eat his own teeth, bad choice to mess with a hockey player.

"Kendall?" groaned James pulling his hand away from mine looking at me with wide eyes "What are you doing here? Why did you hit him?" he took two steps getting inside my comfort zone…not that I minded.

"I need to get you home" I searched the place until Luca came in view "Take him home"

"You take him" smiled the damn bastard "And he got something called extasy…so there is only one way to get it out of him" he wiggled his eyebrow and I was sure I went livid before my eyes went back to James, who didn't seem to be in the conversation at all, he was staring intensely at me "And you´re welcome" he made a salute before going back to the crowd…what the fuck had just happened?

"So?" asked James in a husky voice, his eyes were dilated, he had a faint blush in his skin and the stare he was giving me went straight to my pants.

"I´m taking you home" I took his hand and we walked out, fortunately there were some available cabs outside, when we reached one I told the driver James´ address before I pushed the brunette to the back seat and I sat next to him, just as I was about to zoom out and look through the window I felt his hand caress my cheek making me catch my breath.

"You know" he whispered to my ear with his lips almost touching my skin sending chills through my entire body "All I can think about" he kissed my neck freezing me in the spot "Is to fuck you senseless when we get there"


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER 7

Kendall PoV

After almost giving me a heart attack James smirked and sat back in his place shamelessly eyeing me…I was having a hard time holding back the boner his words had triggered…this was so not what I had expected for the next time I saw him! The trip came to an end and I paid the driver before going for James, who had already exited the cab and was waiting at the entrance.

"So get in and don´t…" he rolled his eyes before taking my hand and dragging me inside with him "What are you doing?"

"I already told you…hi Mr. Lightwood!" he greeted the doorman like everything was normal but the minute he opened the door to his apartment he shoved me into the wall and pushed himself to me "I wanna fuck you till next week" he murmured to my ear using grasping my hands above my head keeping me in place as he rubbed his hips in mine, I had to swallow hard trying to think…if something happened it would be a mistake, we were too fucked up to…well to_ fuck_ and make things worse.

"James wait…" I freed my hands to lightly push him but not really using much strength to do it, he cupped my face making me look into his hazel eyes, I got lost in his lust filled gaze as his lips ghosted near mine taking away all of my control, I groaned before closing the small gap between our mouths. Yes I had dreams and fantasies over the last weeks about kissing him again, using those two seconds our lips had touched for the first time to think of how it could be if we _really_ kissed…none of that could even make justice to the real thing; our lips moved in sync, dancing like they were meant to be together, his mouth was soft and it had a certain taste that I was sure it could only be his own essence. I sighed tugging his shirt only to pull him closet to me, he used this opportunity to get his tongue inside my mouth swallowing my moan, my hands relaxed against his shoulders before I ended the kiss…maybe I had given myself the little gift of kissing him but I still knew that doing more was a mistake.

"James…" I said as he went to nibble my neck completely ignoring me, my eyes wanted to close and my body to give in so fucking badly "We can't…do this"

"This dude over here say's otherwise" I frowned not getting his words until I felt his hand palming my crotch.

"Fuck" I breathed resting my head on his shoulder "James"

"My name sounds so good when you say it like that" he said continuing his ministrations making me _almost _lose my mind…until he opened my pants and got his hand inside my boxers, then I was lost.

"God" I breathed when he began pumping me, this was like nothing I had ever experienced, the times Jo and I had been together were nothing compared to the simple feeling of him touching me, I rocked my hips involuntary against his hand earning a chuckle from him just before he took his hand out and a step back…somehow it didn't surprise me that even all doped up he was a tease.

"If you want more follow me, if not there's the door" his smile turned smug…the bastard knew that there was no way I would go now, so I groaned and walked to crash my lips on him pushing him to the bedroom. I hardly even registered getting in the bed or kicking away my shoes, he didn't lose time taking off my shirt as I did the same, I turned our bodies to be on top of him, kissing his collar bone letting my hands play with his nipples loving every little sound he was making "Kendall" he gasped when I let my hand caress his inner thighs, he wasn't the only one good with teasing, the brunette moaned bucking his hips rubbing his hard-on to my exposed dick, I had to open my mouth to let air inside my lungs…this was too much "Did _Jo_ make you feel like this?" I frowned at his words before he pushed me to my back and dragged away my pants and boxers.

"No" I whispered truthfully, he stood motionless for a second before his hazel eyes found mine, they were burning with passion and something else that I couldn't quite name.

"Good to know" said this he started to duck his body, leaving small kisses in my neck, nipples and abs…my breaths hitched as I saw his lips hover my dick, his hot breath caressing my shaft making me groan in pleasure, I closed my eyes losing myself at the sensations "Look at me Kendall, I want you to see this" his husky voice made me shudder, when I gained enough courage to look for his eyes he smiled before sticking his tongue out and licking my entire length making my eyes go backwards.

"Shit!" he continued doing marvels with his tongue until my eyes shot up when I felt the hot velvety insides of his mouth around my tip "James!" he pushed his hand firmly on my hip preventing me from choking him as he began pumping his head taking more and more in every movement, my hand found its way to his brown locks tangling my fingers in them earning a deep moan when I decided to pull them sending vibrations though my whole body making me scream his name, the second my tip touched the back of his throat my vision got white and I came inside his mouth with an estranged yell.

"Mmh, you taste better than I imagined" I blinked trying to get my vision back just to see him at the side of the bed taking away the rest of his clothes, he still had that smug grin plastered on his face and his eyes abnormally dilated…which reminded me why he was doing this, so I tried to get up and run away from him, but he saw what I was about to do and jumped on top of me sitting with his legs astride my hips and his bare ass on my chest…_fucking hockey pucks_ that turned me on like I hadn't just experience a frigging orgasm! "You lost your chance Kendork, sorry but I'm sticking to my word and I'm pretty sure you want it too" he said before claiming my lips forcefully.

"No James…" he moved so my legs were hugging his waist ignoring my attempts of talking, I was completely aroused again being totally aware of every one of his movements…and his fingers starting to encircle my whole "James" my heart beat erratically as his middle finger slide through it gaining a pained yelp from me.

"Shh, I'll feel better" he kissed my forehead "I promise" he moved his finger, in and out and suddenly that friction became something more than bearable, it became pleasant. He saw my hips trying to find his hand trusting inside of me and took this as a sign to add another digit, I had to take a deep breath grasping the sheets figuring that I was a fucking hockey player, I had to bear this pain! "You're so tight…damn I wanna feel this around my dick…just a little more" with no more ceremony he added one last finger, this time the pain got ever bigger…when the hell was I supposed to feel good with this? The friction was good but nothing _great_ "Wait for it" he started curling his fingers, like he was looking for something until they bruised a little spot inside of me that literally made me see stars.

"FUCK!" I screamed prey of the wave of pleasure that ran all over my body as his fingers continued caressing that spot merciless; I moved my half lidded eyes to his face, before he embraced my lips in a sloppy kiss letting me know that I gave a damn about the trouble this could cause later, right now I just wanted him instead of his fingers "Do it now, fuck me James" he growled taking his hand away and smiling at my whine at the lost of those magical fingers before he positioned himself, I didn't want to hear what fucking comment he wanted to say now, I knew he could never keep himself from speaking so I pulled him by his hair and brought his lips to mine getting lost in our tongue fight until I felt the sharpening pain of his dick inside of me "Shit" I started breathing deep thinking that there was nothing quite like this, it was an throbbing ache mixed with an ecstasy rush that crushed every one of my senses…only when I could breathe again I noticed that he had stopped moving, I moved my arms to embrace his strong shoulders raising an eyebrow when I saw his slight tremble, I lift my eyes to find his, he was looking at me like it was a dream, like he only could believe this because he was doped…I didn't want that, I wanted him to know that it was me in my five senses there getting filled by him, so I cupped his face and kissed him slowly, trying to tell him that even if it had taken me a while to know he was the person I was born to look for, that he was my best friend but also the most beautiful creature I could ever bear to see…that I loved him "Move" I whispered…

I groaned before I opened my eyes blinking a couple of times, something was buzzing disturbing my most needed sleep.

"Shh…fucking…phone" mumbled James next to me making me smile, I took a deep breath before sitting up wincing at the soreness in my backside…damn James and his hyperness that fucked me like a frigging bunny…not that I could _really _complain about that.

"I'm coming, I'm coming" I told my phone in a raspy voice, yelling a lot at night did that to you "Hello?"

"Kendall Donald Knight, where are you?" I looked sideways at James, who was sleeping peacefully in his nakedness glory hugging a pillow…I was so not telling my mom about that, at least not until we figured things out.

"Sorry for not calling…I'll see you at lunch…"

"It's already noon!" thinking that I didn't want to wake James up I walked outside the room.

"Sorry mom" if I kept apologizing maybe she would go down from _Godzilla_ mom to _my_ mom "I should've called"

"Yes you should've, where are you?" her tone was softer but not soft enough.

"I'm at James' place" I said slowly.

"Did you guys made out?" _and a lot more._

"We still need to talk…" I passed my hand through my face knowing that even if we had sex it didn't mean things were ok between us again…it probably meant that things might get uglier if I didn't chose the right set of words.

"Okay I'm just glad you're ok, come back when you're done" she hung up and I sighed closing my eyes. I smiled a little thinking of last night, the feeling of his body next to mine, his soft lips panting my name like a prayer, the way his muscles contracted when he was about to reach his peak, the warm sensation inside of me every time he shoot his seed…oh I was getting aroused again.

"James if you knew what you can do to me" I laughed feeling happy for the first time in a long time, maybe we had a lot of shit to go through later but James was never the kind of guy to hold grouches for long, this fight had taken its time just because I kept being an ass…maybe he could even go back home. I rolled my eyes at my happy thoughts, I felt like a dreamy schoolgirl, first I needed coffee to start the day and get my mind straight before he woke up…even better make him his special milk mocha latte so he could be in a better mood…or he could be a little hangover, who knew what drugs did to you once they were out of your system? "Maybe he'll need some aspirin" I started looking through his cabins only to find them pretty much empty…his fridge just had some milk and now that I gave myself the time to look around I felt a pang in my chest noticing the lack of that homey feeling around the apartment, there were some boxes around but it still felt like someone had just moved in, no photos, no nothing "This is not right" I sighed thinking that there was a Starbucks two blocks from here, and I could ask Mr. Lightwood to tell me the way to the nearest drugstore…yeah waking up with hot coffee and some painkillers was the best way to get James in a nice mood for a talk.

I went back to the room guarding myself from making any noise not losing my smile, I wanted to go back to bed and cuddle with him but I had the feeling this was a better option, I gathered my stuff and changed before going to the bathroom to clean my face frowning when I didn't see nothing more than his Cuda deodorant and shampoo…that was also not right. I shook my head clearing it from those thoughts and walked outside the apartment.

"Good morning" I said to the doorman.

"I believe it's good _afternoon_" he smiled and I mentally face palmed, right!

"Yeah right…so Mr. Lightwood, do you know where the nearest drugstore is?"

"Five blocks to the right" awesome the Starbucks was on the way to there "Is James all right?"

"Yes, yes he just might wake up with a little headache but nothing big" I hoped so "I'll be back, later!" I waved walking in the said direction. I got into the drugstore and got out almost instantly, only costumer, I took a little longer at the café but before an hour I was happily walking back to James apartment with two cups of coffee, some cupcakes and aspirin…just to see James walking out of the place.

"James?" I asked to gain his attention he turned and scowled at me.

"DON'T FUCKING TALK TO ME RIGHT NOW!" I froze seeing him get inside a cab and going away from the place, when I could react again I ran to the front door looking for the doorman.

"Did he tell you where did he go?"

"He just told me to forbid entrance to the guy that came with him last night" I felt my hands tremble successfully spilling coffee all over the floor.

"D-did he tell you why…?"

"No and I'm afraid I'm going to ask you to go or I will call the police" his eyes were concerned, I knew he was only doing it to keep his job so I took some shaking steps out of the building just to sit at the small step outside letting the stuff fall into the floor and grasping my head…I knew this was a mistake, I knew things might go to the dump if we slept together but I didn't care and I practically took advantage of him! Because even if he was all cooperative he was fucking _doped _and not in his five senses! I was such an idiot and because of that now I what was left of our relationship was finished. I felt tears sliding through my face as I hugged myself thinking that I actually deserved this after all the pain I had put him through…now I could understand how he felt when he wrote that song…how the hell was I going to show up in two days? Last night Carlos and Logan wanted to punch me now that they were probably going to find out they would surely pummel me.

"Stop running away Kendall" I told myself furiously cleaning my face, he hadn't chickened out the first day, he had given his face and took every little shitty thing I had thrown at him…I owed him the same thing, so I stood up and took a breath before slowly walking back to the Palm Woods.

Logan PoV

I was happily walking to the Lombardi's sports bar to see if Karla was around when my phone started buzzing…I was not available for anyone today, it was swagger Logan time and I needed…buzz again…leave it to voice mail, I am…buzz, buzz, BUZZ!

"WHAT?" I screamed answering it.

"It's Luca…you might wanna come…James no! You're hair wont fall off! James!" I frowned at his tired and concerned tone "Please come to my house as fast as you can! James what are you doing to my windows!" he hung up…okay that _totally_ didn't make me worry at all…fucking James! What did you do now? I groaned running to the bus station knowing that I was a little too far from Luca's house. After riding a crowded bus…_thank you very much old lady for spilling your tapioca on my shoes!_ I walked to the small duplex and knocked.

"NO ONE LIVES HERE!" I frowned hearing James' screams "YOU'RE NOT TAKING AWAY MY CUDA!"

"James! Nobody is taking your Cuda, now let me open the…!" this was Luca, and then there was some muffled noises.

"I CAN'T FIND MY CUDA!" more noises before the door opened just enough to reveal James' face, he narrowed his eyes at me "Do you have my Cuda?" I saw Luca frantically telling me to nod behind him, so I did and James dragged me inside "Give. It" okay his tone wasn't terrifying at all.

"James I think I'm beginning to see a widows peak" spoke Luca and James screamed putting his hands on his hair before running to the bathroom.

"What is going on?" I asked slowly hearing James' faint mumbles from the bathroom.

"I have no idea, he came here looking scared and saying things about someone stealing his apartment and smell of sex and nonsense…then I told him if someone knew he was here and he started panicking and blocking my windows" he pointed the sheets that covered the windows "And then he saw a hair and started freaking out saying that he was getting bold!" I let my mind race fast, James was clearly paranoid and something had to have triggered it because things like that didn't come out from the blue.

"Okay, you went with him to the club last night, what happened there?"

"Well were there and I saw _him_ and I didn't tell James because I knew he would get pissed, and then there was this guy who brought him a drink and there Kendall comes all jealous and then he's pissed and James started to act weird…and he got drugged…"

"WHAT?" I looked at him trying to decipher what he had just said, Kendall was there with them last night? James had been DRUGGED? "Luca I know this is hard but you have to stop rambling and tell me what happened, did someone drugged James?"

"Yes, they gave him ecstasy" _Fuck…fuck!_

"You let him go back home alone!"

"N-no, no! Kendall took him!" he put his open hands in front of me like trying to get the guilt out of him…well he was kind of guilty but James was too for drinking some stranger's drink and Kendall...I was not in the mood for talking to him "Ok first we have to see why is he like this, do you have a laptop?" Luca nodded taking me to his studio "Ok getting bold is one of James' greatest fears so he wont be out of the bathroom in a while" I turned on the computer and typed fast "Ecstasy, consequences" I started reading and I became more and more concerned…this was serious stuff, we needed him to see a doctor "We have to take him to the hospital"

"NO! No hospitals!" screamed James from the door looking at us wide eyed "I'm fine! I am" I frowned starting to see some sense in his eyes "I'm just freaked because I fucking DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING THAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT!"

"What?" asked Luca giving him a weird look "Nothing at all?"

"NO! I just know that I woke up, alone and naked in my bed, my fucking house stinking of sex and my doorman saying that I let some guy in at night! I didn't even see through my stuff! Maybe when I come back it will just be to see that I have nothing left!" he began pacing around the room clearly affected by this "I can't believe I had sex with a stranger…"

"What do you mean alone?" murmured Luca narrowing his eyes.

"Alone as in nobody fucking else!" he raised his hands in the air before sitting on the ground so fast I almost thought he had fainted and he began mumbling to himself again "…a fucking slut, I bet that's what he things…oh Kendall…and I thought I would be better…fuck I feel so bad!" and just like that he was out, he collapsed into the floor.

"James!" screamed Luca going for him, I sighed dialing Dr. Hollywood's number.

"Lo-gain! Ready for med school?" he answered.

"Not really yet but I have an emergency here…a friend was drugged with ecstasy and just fainted, should I call an ambulance?" I saw Luca putting a pillow under James' head and looking at me waiting for instructions.

"Did he have a panic attack?"

"Yes"

"Does he remember anything about last night?"

"No"

"Did he puke at all?"

"No"

"Does he have a fever or is too cold?"

"Neither" I answered after I told Luca to feel his temperature.

"Is he shuddering?"

"No"

"Then he's lucky, he'll wake up in a couple of minutes feeling the worst hangover he could ever feel but other than that he will be just fine…although you might want to get him some aspirin for later" I sighed in relief "And he'll get his memory back eventually, little by little"

"Thank you"

"Don't worry, I'm getting you to med school some day…good bye and rock on!"

"Bye" I hung up "He's gonna be fine"

"Thank God!" sighed the Italian just before James started to open his eyes.

"W-what happened?" he asked as we helped him sit, I sat next to him taking out my lantern to check his eyes…they were back to normal.

"You passed out" explained Luca "How are you feeling?"

"Like a train ran over me" I saw Logan getting up.

"I'm getting you some painkillers" he informed walking outside the house.

"Do you really don't remember anything at all?" asked Luca once Logan was out.

James PoV

I passed my hand though my face trying to think…the last thing I remembered was getting inside the club with Luca and then _nothing_…not even a glimpse of the guy I had been at night just…_a pair of emerald eyes looking at me_…yeah brain I know all you can think about is Kendall but I need you to focus in other more important things…

"_Do it now, fuck me James" moaned his husky voice_…fuck dream land was mixing with the real world, maybe those drugs did fucked me up.

"Nothing…" I turned to look at Luca who looked really pissed "Do you remember the guy I was with?"

"No"

**Sooo, what do you guys think? About the smut? About James' reaction?...about luca? Hahaha xD**

**Review please! Pretty please!**

**Take care!**


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER 8

Kendall PoV

I opened my eyes not ready to move a muscle. It was a hard task to move when all you wanted to do was to lay and never get up for the rest of your life, but I had to, in a couple of hours we were leaving for our tour…and I had never seen the band so fucked up before. Carlos was in good terms with everybody but was still a little mad at me…Logan on the other hand had taken James' side like always and was giving me the _polite _cold shoulder and Gustavo was going insane…pretty picture for our awaiting fans. James, I hadn't seen him at all and that was tearing my soul apart.

My eyes and head hurt like hell, I felt a big pressure inside my brain that I could only blame on sobbing for an entire day…yes the unbreakable fearless leader was a total mess, even my mom was concerned now…not that Carlos or Logan knew that I was like this, for them I was just mad and screaming at them for no reason, I didn't need them to see me like this, to know how much I hated myself for not taking the awesomeness that was James Diamond when he willingly stepped up to me…damn, self-loathing was too easy.

"Kendall honey are you up?" asked my mom reminding me that I had to compose in order to see James again…but how was I suppose to react? I wasn't mad at him, for once, but it was too much pain to endure.

"In a minute" I answered not moving at all. I heard the door open and I pulled the covers on top of my head not wanting her to see me like this, I felt the bed shift a little when she sat behind me and start rubbing my back.

"Please tell me what's going on…I'm seeing a friendship I thought that would never end going to the dump" she sighed "You know I love those three like they are my children, it pains me to see you fighting like this…what happened Kendall? Ever sense James came out you're not yourself" deciding that I needed to tell someone I lowered the cover just to hear her small gasp…man I probably looked like shit "Oh baby" she hugged me. I had always been a mama's boy and proud of it, so having her there humming slightly while she embraced me kind of broke all my barriers and I started crying silently.

"He hates me mom" I sobbed passing a hand through my face "I'm such an idiot, and because of that I lost him"

"James loves you Kendall, and you will only lose him if you stop fighting for him"

"But I don't love him like that" she frowned "Mom I LOVE him, more than anyone I could ever love…more than I can stand, I love him so much that I can't event think of being just friends with him" I closed my eyes feeling a little lighter now that I had told someone about my feelings, but at the same time I was worried of how my mother might take it.

"I know son, I know" I frowned at her words before I turned to look at her, she had a small smile on her face "Took you long enough to find out"

"W-what?"

"I have known that James is gay sense he was thirteen, his mom told me" she took a strand of my hair out of my face "I talked to him and I found out that he liked you…just then I started to watch your behavior around him, baby sometimes you were too obvious but then Jo appeared and you were all about her…it was funny to see how jealous James got" she grinned and I just kept looking at her like an alien "Stop giving me that look Kendall Knight, I´m a mom, I know stuff"

"I don't know what I should do…perhaps it´s better if I follow his word and don't talk to him, be just his workmate from now on" I looked away from her in shame of my dreadful state.

"My son is not a quitter, he never was and I will make sure that he never will be one" her tone grew stronger "You love him and I´m sure he loves you too…"

"He doesn't anymore, he told Carlos and Logan" I covered my face with my pillow feeling more tears falling from my eyes.

"Bullshit!" I stopped moving surprised at my mom´s sudden curse…it was the first time I heard her curse in my life "Now get up, shower and get that ass to the studio thinking that you have a whole week with James to win him back…I said NOW Kendall Knight!" she pulled me until I was up and pushed me to the bathroom, I had to smile, leave it to my mom to make me think a little more about giving up so easily.

James PoV

_I bit the sensitive skin of his neck earning a small moan, he was tired I could see it in his amused eyes but I was not and I needed to fuck him again so frigging bad._

"_Someone´s hyper tonight" he breathed against my lips making me smile; I covered his lips with mine sweetly wanting to take my time, I let my tongue explore the soft insides of his mouth like I had wanted sense I knew what a French kiss was. His hands kept lazily playing with my hair as mine caressed his sides, I was on top of him tired of waiting while he slept in a attempt of recovering from his third orgasm._

"_I can´t get enough of you" I stared into his bottle green eyes taking my right hand to ghost over his heavenly hole._

"_Neither can I but I´m too tired…" he sighed before a mischievous smile spread through his lips prior pushing me to my back and sitting on top of me "I guess I can take another round" I put my hands on his hips before he raised them and positioned himself above my dick, my breaths quickened cause seeing him there fucking himself on top of me was one of the hottest things I had ever seen, his ecstasy filled gaze, his hair sweaty and glued to his forehead, his own dick bouncing between our bodies, his muscles contracting in each thrust…the incredible sounds that left his lips and the simple way he moaned my name over and over again made me climb my peak in no time._

"_Kendall" I gasped knowing that I was too close to the edge, so I moved my hand and started pumping him causing shudder than ran though his entire body, he mouthed looking for air and I took the opportunity to pull him to me and turn our bodies so I was on top and continued fucking him making sure to hit his sweet spot in every thrust._

"_SHIT!" he screamed hitting his orgasm and knowing that he was done I let go of mine shooting my seed inside of him painting his inner walls white, I let my head fall into his chest breathing hard knowing that sleep was finally going to find me, my eyes closed before I made one last movement to get out of him not wanting him to be _that_ sore in the morning "I love you" he said and I smiled hugging his body close to mine not bothering with an answer as I gave in to dream land hearing his steady heartbeat._

I opened my eyes and sighed…I had no idea what was wrong with me lately, I had been having tons of wet dreams about Kendall, it was even worse than when I was going through puberty and I got a boner every time he wiggled his eyebrows. I looked down only to find my wet boxers…if I continued like this I was going to have a hard time at the tour.

I looked at the alarm clock only to find out that I had overslept, oh well they could wait a couple of minutes for me. I got up, took some clean clothes and walked to the shower feeling a little antsy because in all of my dreams that had been the only one that ended with him saying that he loved me…not ever had I dream something like that, reality used to be secure even in dream land letting me know that he would never love me like that…but then, what was different now? It wasn't like our relationship had come into better terms, on the contrary we hadn't even spoken to each other in a while –except from that morning that was only between us two because I was not that proud of snapping at him like that when he seemed not that hostile-, I could see him once or twice at the studio never announcing my presence, he looked tired and irritable, something told me he wasn't ok but when I lightly commented this concerns with Luca he just got mad and told me that Kendall wasn't worth my time…why the sudden change of behavior? And just like that I was on my own with my crazy wet dreams… I shook my head not wanting to get into that much head drama, I finished showering and got out hearing some knocking on the door, I put on my sweats and walked to open.

"Who is it?" I asked.

"Carlos and Logan" answered Carlos "Ow! What was that for?" he said as I opened the door to see him massaging his head.

"You have to say Logan and Carlos, the other person first" was saying Logan when they got in "Morning, ready to go?"

"Morning, why are you here?" I walked to my room starting drying my hair with my towel before I continued changing into comfy clothes fit for a trip to Phoenix…six hours in the same place as Kendall, seven if there was traffic…I hoped I could switch seats with Carlos.

"We came to pick you up, where are your bags?" I pointed at the two medium bags in the living room "Finish up and then we go, we´ll have breakfast on the road"

"Okay…what happened to Kendall?" I asked before I could stop myself, Carlos smile widely at my question and Logan grimaced.

"Who knows, he´s been all PMS-y all week" he mumbled not happy "I´m seriously disappointed of him, and he won´t talk to me either…anyway, I think this trip will help us" he grinned looking at Carlos and I knew they were planning something…I feared for my safety.

"Okay" I said slowly before I shook my head and put on my vans "But I was waiting for Luca, he said he would come and pick me up…I guess we can wait so we can say good bye" I crooked an eyebrow at them, they shrugged.

"Fine for me" said Logan.

"Early morning cartoons!" screamed Carlos running to my TV and starting to see Tom and Jerry, the only good thing at 6am, I rolled my eyes and started to make my bed. Logan went to the kitchen.

"Don't you have nothing edible in here?"

"Nope"

"Why? Not even cereal…and you seem a little slender, James you have to eat properly"

"Yes mom I will when we come back" I spoke walking to him as we heard someone knocking, I went to open it "Hi!" I greeted Luca palming his shoulder.

"Only you could be cheery at this ungodly hour" he muttered before giving a big yawn "Hey guys" he smiled to the other two.

"Hey" they said and I took Luca´s hand and pulled him to my room closing the door behind us, he gave me the weird eye not getting why was I acting like this.

"What´s with you?"

"I have no idea what to do once I see Kendall again" I passed a hand through my face "I know I told him to not speak to me –quite rudely- last time I saw him but…and all this dreams I´ve been having and…fuck, help me! How did you get over Marcello?" his eyes darkened at my words. Marcello had been his first official boyfriend back in Italy, but once Luca´s mom had found him with his hands inside Marcello´s pants everything had gone to the dump. Luca´s mom had gone crazy, she had screamed at him of how he was a freak and a monster that should not be in her presence…Marcello had denied that he was gay and told his parents that it was all Luca´s doing…of course this broke Luca´s heart and just when he was about to throw himself over the edge of a building, Gio had found him and taken him to America…I knew Luca blamed himself for this, saying that he knew Marcello wasn't completely out of the closet, saying that maybe he had seen the signs wrong, that what he had thought of love was just lust…I knew that he had closed his heart to everyone and was slowly letting people in, that I was let in only because we kind of knew how the other felt and right now I needed him.

"You know I hadn't" he softly said "Wait!" his eyes shot back to me "When did you said that to Kendall? When was the last time you saw him?"

"Saw who?" I frowned.

"Who the fuck are we talking about? Kendall!"

"The day after I got doped…" he cursed before storming out of the room, taking Logan´s hand and pulling him out of the apartment, I looked at Carlos who had the same expression as me, I had a pretty crazy set of friends.

"What was that?" asked Carlos.

"No idea" I passed a hand through my face "Ready to go?"

"Always" we turned off the lights and TV before taking the bags and going to find Luca and Logan speaking in the entrance, Logan was looking at the Italian like he was crazy and Luca looked kind of nervous…that was odd.

"What's up with you?" I put a hand on their shoulders stopping them from running away, Logan literally jumped at my touch.

"W-wha…nothing pfsh w-why do…?" began my nerdy friend.

"We kind of were out here and you were there and stuff and you said so I had to come and…" I couldn't hold back a chuckle hearing both of them blustering trying to explain, the two ramblers collide.

"Okay stop, stop!" the kept the guilty look in their faces and I decided I didn't want to know "We're running late, let's go" I walked to get my stuff inside the BTR mobile before taking Luca by the arm and going to his car.

"So…where's Kendall?" he asked me as he drove to the studio.

"I'm starting to get annoyed by all this" I said truthfully "First you hate Kendall, then you're all about getting to know him again, then you hate him again and now you ask for him? What the fuck?" I spat clearly confused because something told me that he knew something about Kendall, and didn't want to tell me.

"You said to Logan and Carlos that you didn't love him anymore…then you talk about dreams with Kendall" I widen my eyes realizing what I had just said to him a couple of minutes ago…damn "What's up with that?"

"Forget it" I mumbled and he laughed, I turned to glare at him "WHAT?"

"You clearly still love him…what are those dreams about?" his dark brown eyes turned distant, like he was thinking hard.

"I don't get them, they are weird dreams" I said not ready to confess that I was having problems with my crazy libido.

"Okay" did he sound disappointed? I shook my head, so not the relaxed morning I was looking for, luckily we got to the studio and I exited the car seeing a big 9 people van.

"Are we that much trouble that you can't get us a bus?" I said to Kelly.

"We did, but we got some complications, the bus will be catching with us at Phoenix…and we don't have enough space in the trunk for your bags so we'll have to put a couple of them in the back seat next to you and Kendall"

"I'm not going in the…" I turned to look inside the van to see Carlos and Logan happily sitting in one of the middle seats and Gustavo in the other "Kelly, please, please change seats with me?" I begged her and I could swear that I saw a mischievous glint in her eyes before she shook her head and walked to talk to the producer, I groaned and walk to Luca who was frowning.

"What is it?" he asked.

"I have to seat six hours next to Kendall, trapped between bags and him…It's hell!" ok I knew I was over reacting but I hated that, having his body right next to mine, his heat radiating to me, maybe our knees touching…_STOP! James Diamond don't even go there!_

"Yeah… I think he heard you" Luca said grimacing and I turned to see a pair of pained emerald eyes.

"M-morning" Kendall said before taking his bag to the van, I couldn't even phrase a simple statement, not just out of shame of saying that to his face but of the state he was in, his hair was even messier than normal, he looked kind of pale, his shoulders were down and his eyes lacked of his normal shine. He saw me staring and he put his shades on letting me notice the small blush that crept in his cheeks, I looked back at Luca who was frowning deep at the sight of Kendall.

"He looks bad" he bit his lip "James…there's something I need to tell you, and I know that you probably wont want to talk to me again but I don't care and just know that I'm sorry and I think I made a big…a huge mistake and I let my over protective instincts get the best of me because you are my first true friend and I didn't want you to suffer the same I did when I was in Italy and…"

"James get in NOW!" yelled Gustavo making me jump.

"In a minute…"

"I SAID NOW!" I turned to Luca and flashed him an apologetic smile.

"Let's save that for next week" I hugged him fast.

"No James, wait!" I waved at him and ran to get inside the van not daring to look at Kendall as he sat beside me…this was going to be a long trip.

**Short one I know, but I had to make this little thing today lol Okay what did you think? Quite uneventful chapter but we found out some interesting things xD**

**Review? Please?**

**Take care!**


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER 9

Carlos PoV

"Take that!" I screamed as I played castle smashers moving my fingers at super speed, just a little more and I would beat the level and become THE HUGE AMAZING SUPER PODEROSO CASTLE SMASHERER! If only I could…oh the battery signal…WHAT! "NO!" I screamed as the gaming system turned off and all my efforts, all the sweat and tears that I had shed for that level were lost…lost in gaming hell forever…_OH LOOK THERE'S A CAMERA!_ "Kelly?" I asked her loosening my seatbelt to get closer to the front seat in where Gustavo was checking some papers and she was looking at stuff on her phone.

"We aren't there yet Carlos" she said completely misunderstanding my question, oh come on I had just asked her how much more time like…fifty times.

"No, I was wondering, is that a camera?" I pointed the small silver object, she looked at it, then back at me, then back at the camera and then at Gustavo.

"Gustavo, do you let Carlos use the camera?" she asked the producer.

"Kelly, will I let the crazy stomach hands DOG use my new camera? NO!" he yelled at me and I had to sit back and pout crossing my arms. Gustavo was so unfair, now I had nothing to do. I moved to look through the window…yeah the highway was boring and Logan was sleeping beside me, why couldn't he be awake and make me less bored…well probably he would start rambling about science and nerdy stuff…yeah I think I was better alone and bored because nor James or Kendall seemed likely to react anytime soon. Sense they hooped in each had put on the headphones and clearly ignored each other, it was not news that I hated this, or every other time we fought. Desperate because I had nothing to do –forgot my ipod back home- I started tapping my foot and making noises, at least it was a way to be entertained.

"Shh!" started the producer but I wasn't making any _real_ noise so I continued looking through the window moving both feet now making a beat with them "Carlos! Take the fucking camera and stop that noise!" he said throwing the camera at me, I smiled brightly before I turned it on and pressed REC.

"Hello! I'm Carlos and this is the BTR…van" I said to the camera before turning it and shooting the front seats "Say Hello Mr. Driver! Say hi Freight Train!" the driver waved.

"Morning Carlos!" said the big man smiling at the camera.

"Now here's Kelly, what are you doing?" I zoomed her work and she rolled her eyes before smiling.

"Hi! I'm seeing if we stay at a hotel in Phoenix or drive the night in the bus, what do you think?"

"Uh…I do love hotels" I spoke "but the bus is AWESOME! Right Lo…" I was answered by a faint snore from my friend, I giggled knowing that he would be pissed but I had to record him snoring, so, I turned the camera pointing at his face "Logie's asleep" I announced, before taking my hand and pocking his cheek, he stirred his nose but made no more movement, I decided that I could get lucky so I did it again.

"…fuck off" he mumbled before turning his back at me, I grimace before turning the camera to the back where Kendall and James were and I had to smile because apparently they weren't silent because they were ignoring each other, but because they were also asleep. I moved the camera to James who was with his head on the luggage next to him breathing slowly with Kendall's head on his shoulder.

"Aww aren't you cute" I said just as James's eyes snapped open…_oh oh_.

"What are you doing?" he jumped surprised awakening Kendall with his sudden movement, both of them turned to look at each other and me and the camera were witnesses of some mayor blushing…I was a little –a lot- out of subject when it came to dating and stuff but for a moment I was sure they would kiss, then the _magic_ was gone and the yelling was back "Watch were you drool Kendok" talked James passing his hand through his shirt were Kendall's head had been.

"Oh sorry" Kendall said softly before moving to look at the window. I let my mouth open in amazement, the great Kendall Knight hadn't talk back…that was _not_ a good sign. I moved to look at James who was frowning clearly taken back by Kendall's behavior.

"Carlos, get that thing out of my face" he glared at me.

"James Diamond doesn't want a camera on his face…that's a new one" I laughed before dodging a punch from the pretty boy "Ha! You missed me!" he rolled his eyes before fixing his headphones and went back to ignoring the rest of the people inside the van, I sighed and turned back to my seat opening a bag of cookies trying to not die of boredom.

Kendall PoV

And I don't feel the need to go on  
>I was happier singing along the way<br>I had things, I need to say  
>But now it's like a swallowed tape<br>That holds up my face from inside  
>As everything just falls apart<br>'Cause everything just fell apart for me

So woe is me  
>Oh woe is me, yeah<p>

I cracked my head and broke my... heart  
>And the hell of it is what we are<br>We finish and wish we could start again  
>Our skin tears away as<br>Our memories fade with age  
>And we don't even know 'til it's gone?<br>But everything just fell apart  
>'Cause everything just falls apart for me<p>

For some reason, even being all fucked up and about to burst into tears all I could hear were this kinds of songs that only reminded me of James…_what a masochist!_ I was sitting next to him and completely intoxicated with his presence, it was –in his own words- hell…or for me a heavenly hell because no matter how hard it hurt I was there next to him, feeling every time he moved, seeing his hazel eyes avoiding my own…having some minutes of nice sleep in his shoulder…yeah fucking Carlos for waking James and finishing that moment...should I add that it had been a moment of weakness and that I was _awake_ most of the time? Yeah my fucking phone didn't let me sleep, some unknown number kept calling and calling me…seriously, some fans were scary.

"Kelly I'm hungry" started the latino, Kelly gave a big sigh and looked at her watch.

"Yeah I guess is time for breakfast" she agreed before moving closer to the driver "Please pull over in the next resting area"

"There's one in about five minutes" said the man and I honestly was relieved to hear this, I needed to get the hell away from James for a couple of minutes at least.

"Carlos, wake Logan please" said the assistant and I watched how Carlos smile turned into a grin before starting to poke Logan's ribs.

"WAKY, WAKY LOGANATOR!" he shouted successfully waking –and half scaring to death- Logan, in normal times I would be laughing hard at this, hearing them fight but now, not even that could pull up a smile in my lips. At morning I had been all about winning James back and getting my hopes up…until he made it clear that it would be hell sitting here with me…I knew my mom was wrong, I had refused to acknowledge my love for the brunette in time and now he hated me…I could guess that I had to learn to live like that…or take the time to think of going back to Minnesota, after all I was sure he could make his dream on his own by now…he no longer needed –or wanted- me there.

"Okay guys, bathroom break and then fast breakfast, we don't want to loose much time" instructed Kelly as the van made its stop, the minute she opened the door I was out and walked fast to the farthest place from there stretching my sore limbs before sitting in the grass, I wasn't hungry, all I wanted to do was to lay there and hope all bad things would go away…sometimes my thoughts were crazy enough to think of time machines and going back to were before all that started, but then I wouldn't had found out that I was in love with my best friend, or slept with him because even if he probably hated me for doing it, that was the best night in my life, and not even the morning after could take that away from me.

"Hey" said Logan sitting next to me "There's no sun, why the glasses?" I was honestly surprised that he was talking to me in such a casual way after practically ignoring me for the past days.

"The white light also hurts my eyes" I said looking at the clouded sky, yeah like I was about to take off the shades and show them my swollen red eyes…no sir!

"Gustavo said that we should get some sleep because the minute we get in there we're going to dance until our feet are bleeding" he looked at me like he expected me to do something.

"Okay" I mumbled looking at my hands, I really didn't care if the producer wanted to kill us, for all I could think about he would be doing James a favor by getting rid of me, and doing me a favor by ending my pain…no I was not going suicidal, I wasn't like that, but I had nothing against people killing me, that way I could go to heaven and not have the burden of ending my own life.

"Y-you're not going to tell him to leave us rest a little…or that we already know the moves or…"

"No" I got up and walked to the restrooms. I did my necessities and as I was washing my hands James appeared on the mirror, he was looking at me frowning.

"Shades inside" he said and I took them off before rinsing my face.

"I'm hangover" I lied letting my hands rest in the sink, he looked like he wanted to say something…what are you going to say James? _That night was a mistake_ or _I don't like you like that anymore_ or _I was fucking doped so I have no idea why you got your hopes up?_ Yeah I was not having that, and also I couldn't be a douche with him anymore so I decided to say something I knew I should have said a long time ago "I'm sorry" I whispered looking at the sink not wanting to see inside his eyes "For everything" after taking a deep breath I dared to look for his hazel eyes, they were wide open, like he couldn't believe I was doing this "I noticed you were uncomfortable in the middle, I'll change places" said this I walked pass him, outside the restrooms and inside the van sitting in his spot losing myself in the music.

Soon enough everybody was inside the van again, of course I received enough concerned looks but I ignored them all, I just wanted to get there NOW! Gustavo shouted a little, Carlos and Logan fought some more, Kelly groaned tired of all of them and made me eat a sandwich. James occasionally talked to the guys…yeah I was the only outsider there, I didn't care, I didn't want to tell Carlos or Logan about that night, I knew they didn't know because none of them had come to throw shit at me because of it, Logan was mad for my past behavior and Carlos for calling James _Jamie_, he had said that to me, and asked me why had I been so mean, of course in my current state I had snapped at him and pushed him out of my room...oh look, the Phoenix welcome sign…finally.

"Ok guy's we'll be performing in the US Airways Center at seven thirty, we'll be going directly there so you can practice and make sound check, then the hotel so you can get ready" explained Kelly as the van made its way to downtown, and then inside the place's parking lot. From that moment on things were frantic, just like every concert. People running everywhere, us rehearsing time after time…Gustavo yelling at me because I was not doing things right.

"You better not fuck things up dog!" he screamed at my face, normally I would reply that we were tired as hell and that we were doing fine and that he had to get some anger management consultant, but instead I looked him in the eye and spoke softly.

"I know" now everybody was looking at me in awe "Can we go now?" I asked him because yeah maybe I didn't want to fight him because that took too much effort but I wanted to think and rest before the concert, being next to a sweaty James was messing with my senses a little too much.

"Yeah leave!" he dismissed us, I walked outside hearing Carlos and Logan talking but not putting much into trying to understand what they were saying or wait for them. The hotel was just a couple of blocks away so I decided to go walking, I put on my beanie then I decided that it would show who I was in no time, so I changed it for my hood, I got my shades and headphones before I went out. It was windy outside and I could see already a line of fans waiting to get inside, I was glad that none of them recognized me…yeah changing the beanie was a nice idea. I walked in silence until I saw some dark clouds getting closer to the city…wasn't Phoenix supposed to be a desert and have no rains? I walked faster to get inside the hotel, thanking Kelly for giving us room keys to each one of us, I was sharing with Carlos, which I didn't care at all, it was nice for a change. I got inside the elevator and then my room and got a quick shower, I let the shower stream relax my muscles and damp my hair, today I could escape everything…I couldn't do this anymore, it was too much to endure and because of that I respected James a lot more, he had put up with this for years, rehearsing, playing, getting sweaty around me and he had still been there, he had even helped me get to say good bye to Jo when it was clear that it pained him to do it…I was a coward, and like a nice wimp I wanted out.

"Kendall?" I heard Carlos' voice from outside the bathroom.

"Yeah?" if my calculations were right we still had like 3 hours before the show, so he wasn't there to make me hurry up.

"Could you hurry? We want to talk to you?" _We?_ Maybe Logan was ready to talk to me…that was kind of good because honestly I wanted to have my friends too, I needed them to know how I felt, even if we knew things were lost between me and James.

"In a minute" I turned off the stream, dried myself and changed into my skinny jeans before I walked out to find Carlos and Logan sitting on the beds looking at me "I'm all ears"

"Let's talk about James' scar" I grimaced hearing them, they didn't know I had heard their talk with James, they only knew what he remembered so I guessed it could be nice that I told them what had happened "He told us about it…and about those kids calling him Jamie"

"Yeah he had a rough time" I shrugged not really sure that I could talk about all of that because telling them meant that they would probably tell James and for some reason I didn't want him to know that I had _known _about everything this whole time "And yes I called him like that with all the intentions of hurting him" I accepted looking into their eyes, I was feeling a little more relaxed and in peace, maybe showers did help to get the mind in the right place.

"Why?" asked Carlos and I could see how his huge black eyes turned watery hating what I had done.

"Because he was right" they both looked at me not getting my words "Because he beat me to do something I wanted to do…even if at the moment I didn't know I wanted to do it…I love him guys, and I hate myself for not finding out before, for pushing him aside when he needed me to be his friend…One time he almost died under my watch, I had to call 911 and with their instructions…" I swallowed hard because that had been the single most terrifying moment of my entire life "I had to cut his throat and dig a pen inside of it"

"W-what?" stuttered Logan looking at me in awe.

"He didn't go straight to the floor that time, he started making this weird noise…and I noticed that he had some trouble breathing before but as the kids began fighting us I couldn't see him…the kids got scared and ran from the place the moment he began mouthing for air, his eyes were unfocused and weird…I panicked so I called emergencies and they asked me if I could find alcohol somewhere near, thank God there was a drunk hobo nearby so I stole his bottle and asked them if it was ok with that, they said that it was fine…they told me to use it to sterilize my pocket blade…I was just getting around the idea of sticking that inside his throat when he fainted in front of me, I didn't think twice before I did it, then I used my pen to keep the whole open…thankfully the paramedics arrived just after that, I was in shock and so scared for James that I screamed for him to not die, to stay with me" I looked at the floor "I told his parents not to tell him anything because…I don't know really…I stayed with him at the hospital for every day, but the moment I had to go back home he woke up, when I came back to the hospital he was talking to some doctor…telling him that he had done this because he was miserable…that the pain made it all better" I frowned before looking at them "He hasn't cut, hasn't he?"

"No, I checked his hands, just the ugly cut from the other day" answered Logan "And he seems breathing just fine…wait, did you just said that you loved him?"

"I thought you were smarter than that Loges" I smiled at their stunned expressions "And yes I do, more than anything, even knowing that he doesn't want me"

"Kendall, you were there when he was doped" I nodded at his words, if they knew about James being drugged…then they should've known about me being with him that night, right? I was about to speak when my phone started buzzing again, THE WHOLE FUCKING DAY! Pissed at this I answered it.

"Hey, I know you must really be a fan or a stalker but I'm not in the mood right now!" I shouted to it.

"I'm Luca" he said and I hung up before I thought something else, what the hell did he want to tell me? And there was the phone buzzing again…oh the fucker would have a piece of my mind.

"What the fuck you do you want? And make it quick because I'm not in the fucking…"

"Would you shut the fuck up and listen!" I blinked stunned at his words "Jesus! Kendall, did you sleep with James_ that_ night?"

"Yes, and I'm amazed that he hasn't tell you being all _bestsy_ friends with you"

"In the morning, when he woke up, where were you?" he sounded serious so I thought it would be ok for me to answer that.

"There was nothing edible in that place so I went to fetch him some coffee and painkillers"

"Fuck! Fuck!"

"Is this going somewhere? I need to give a concert"

"He doesn't remember!"

"What?" I blinked hoping that he wasn't saying what I thought he was saying.

"The drug causes amnesia…James doesn't remember anything about that night" said Logan softly standing next to me.

**Hehe, what would happen next? OMG! Yeah Review? Coments? Curses? Anything you like I'm all ears xD**

**Take care!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Yay! Fast update! **

**Warning, lots of PoV changes =D**

**Enjoy!**

CHAPTER 10

James PoV

Daffy duck. For some reason he was my favorite cartoon character, he was fun, intelligent in his own way, knew that he looked good and his best friend was Bugs Bunny. No I wasn't thinking randomly about the duck, I was watching the new Looney Tunes and the episode kind of make me think a little about where I was going with Kendall…yeah most people didn't quite get into deep thoughts watching cartoons but this was an episode called _Best Friends_…and fuck it hit me. One time when we were kids we started arguing of which cartoon character could fit who we were, of course being the Looney Tunes the most awesome of them all we choose them to find ourselves…Carlos, being the destroyer he was became an instant Taz, Logan at that time was shorter and more awkward –he stuttered a lot- so, being the awesome and kind of mean friends we were, we named him Porky…that earned us a big _Not Cool!_ Form the nerdy guy. Kendall being the fearless leader and all was Bugs bunny…and for me, it was obvious to say that I became Daffy duck…now you understand why this episode bugged me this much?

"_Daffy, you're mean spirited, self absorbed disturbed little weirdo, but for whatever reason you're my best friend_" said Bugs on the TV…once Kendall had said something like that to me, except changing _mean_ for _free_, he had hugged me and ruffled my hair only to be yelled because of it…_I fucking missed him_, it was painful to think that every time I was bored, in trouble or just wanted to talk to someone he was still the first person that popped inside my mind, I wanted our lives to be les awkward again, why had I kissed him? Why couldn't I have thought of the consequences? It had been weeks sense we stopped talking like real friends, two damn seconds had been enough to throw our friendship to the dump…I had gained nothing from that kiss, he hated me, our friends were taking sides and my brain had suffered enough damage that I was constantly having wet dreams of him and every time he got close I became painfully aroused…damn even in the van that morning…I knew he was sleeping in my shoulder, but I couldn't bring myself to care, I wanted to have him close to me, besides he looked like he needed the sleep, even under the shades I could see his tired eyes…Carlos had to go around playing with his camera and ruin that moment…then I had found out that I had a boner and snap at him…when he apologized his voice was so low and broken that I couldn't say anything more. Then I decided to tell Logan that Kendall didn't look right, and as I expected the blond lied to him and walked away, it was Kendall's way to keep stuff to himself, he wasn't good at talking his problems with Carlos and Logan…that was where I came in, and being so worried I didn't care about anything and went to talk to him to the restrooms…_hangover my ass_…I knew his hangover face and that certainty wasn't the one…and then with that same voice he had apologized…Kendall Knight had apologized…part of me wanted to run to him and tell him that I had forgiven him, but other part of me wanted to ignore that apology, who did he think he was? Did he think that just with a simple _sorry_ all the hurtful things he had said to me were forgotten? No way in hell.

"Just don't think about him…think of the concert and that you have to look hot tonight" I said out loud getting up from my bed and walking to the bathroom to get ready…and where the hell was Logan anyways?

Kendall PoV

He didn't remember…he had amnesia…HE DIDN'T FUCKING REMEMBER GETTING HIS FUCKIING DICK INSIDE OF ME THREE FUCKING TIMES! WHAT THE FUCK! Talk about hurting someone´s ego!

"Kendall? Kendall? Are you still in there?" asked Luca through the phone.

"What does he know?" I spoke trying to not let my hopes up because if he didn't remember, snapping at me like that was only because the last thing he remembered was us fighting…he didn't know I love him.

"That he woke up alone, naked in his room that smelled of sex…he freaked and he came running here"

"But you knew he had gone with me, why didn't you tell him?"

"Well…I thought you had sex with him and then left him, I didn't want him to suffer knowing that" I could see his point but at the same time I wanted to choke him to death…kill the best friend of the guy I love…or keep him alive so he can help me…clear option there.

"I really, really want to kill you right now, but as much pain in the ass you are…"

"Hopefully not the good kind of pain" he said in a mocking tone.

"I´m trying hard not to commit murder here!" I yelled "You three" I looked at Carlos and Logan too "Are going to help me make it up to James"

"But how? He doesn't remember anything, I have questioned him thousands of times" spoke Logan.

"And he still hates you" oh Carlitos I didn't want your crude honesty right now, thank you very much.

"You´re right" I mumbled feeling my hopes shattered once again "Maybe for his own good is best if we keep this between ourselves" I said not putting attention at the calls from Luca "Hey shut up!" I told the phone "If you tell James something about that night I will personally castrate you" with that I closed the phone only to face my open mouthed friends "We have a concert, let´s move!"

"But Kendall" began Carlos and I ignored him starting to change, Logan sighed and got out of the room "Fine, be like that" groaned the latino before he got into the bathroom.

When I was alone I let my knees give in and ended up sitting on the floor…what did that mean to me? Yeah he still hated me, he had showed it this very morning…but then, why did Luca become so eager to tell me? If he had lied to James in the first time, why the sudden change of plans? I was getting a headache from this.

"Think of the concert, later you´ll try to know what to do with James" I spoke then breathed hard…I had to decide if I told James the truth or not.

James PoV

I saw Logan get in mumbling angrily to himself as he gathered his stuff and locked himself into the bathroom…weird enough. I continued looking at myself at the mirror, everything perfect…it had been a while sense I made myself this presentable and it felt nice for a change.

"Logan we need to be there for sound check in an hour! Where the hell were you?" I asked the door when he was there enough time to get me worried about our schedule.

"Talking to freaking Kendall! I can´t believe him!"

"Did he yell at you again?" I frowned, maybe I was getting to the forgiving part too soon.

"Nope, he just made me mad but I guess everything´s cool now"

"He apologized you know…" I rested my back on the wall and crossed my arms "Should I forgive him?"

"It depends"

"On what?"

"Do you want to forgive him because you think he deserves it or just because you miss him?"

"Both?" I looked at the ground just as the door opened and Logan appeared wearing his boxers and a white tee.

"If you´re doubting maybe you should think more about it" He said while putting on his pants.

"Aren't you awkward with me while you dress?" I looked at him smiling because it kind of felt good that he hadn't lose that trust in me.

"Nope, because we see each other as brothers and I don't care…"

"Kendall cared" I mumbled looking at the floor "He said it was freaky and gross having me near him like that…"

"Oh I´m sure he freaked if one of you began undressing in the same room" _was that sarcasm?_

"What did he tell you to anger you so much?" I gave him a suspicious look, ever sense that morning chat with Luca, Logan had been acting a lot more open to Kendall…he knew something.

"Nothing, we have to go" said this he finished getting ready and ran out of the room…time to have a little chat with Carlos!

"I-I don't know w-what you´re talking about" stuttered Carlos once I cornered him in the lobby.

"What´s up with Kendall? What do you know?" he looked positively frighten…just a little more pushing and he would spill the whole truth.

"L-look the…mirror!" I didn't move my glare, mirrors didn't have that effect on me anymore.

"Carlos…"

"Quit terrorizing him James" I froze hearing Kendall´s voice at my side "Time to go guys" ok he was way chattier now…I had to know what was going on!

"Thank you Kendall!" screamed Carlos hugging the blond and then running to the limo that waited for us outside. I shook my head and followed him still not talking to Kendall…they were definitely hiding something from me.

The next two hours passed by fast enough, and before we knew it we were behind the stage of a doing some last minute vocals to warm out throats.

"Dogs, you know the drill, last song will be Shattered and make sure to introduce it properly" instructed Gustavo before they introduced us and we had to walk to the stage.

The first songs were easy, just dancing and getting the place filled with energy, it was packed and the fans were singing our very lyric…yeah what better than an awesome concert to get my mood up.

"Okay guys we have time for one last song!" said Logan getting a big whine from the crowd. I was about to introduce the song when Kendall beat me to it.

"This last song was written by no other than our own lyric genius James Diamond" the girls screamed so loud I had to smile "Make sure to listen to the lyrics" we all sat in our benches…of course Kendall was next to me, I tried really hard to not look at him as the song started, it would be too obvious…except that Kendall did stare at me as he sang every word, crashing my walls with my own words, it wasn't fair but I couldn't look away from his emerald eyes, I didn't care about the crying girls or that Gustavo was probably going to yell at us for ignoring the crowd…his eyes were just that hypnotizing.

"Yes his love will conquer all" He sang and I was sure his words meant a lot more with him looking at me like that, he finally looked back to the crowd waiting for me to say the last two lines.

"Yesterday I died, tomorrow's bleeding…Fall into your sunlight" I sang softly completely shaken by those three and a half minutes…what was going on in my fucking life that I felt so confused? I didn't even put much attention to the screaming fans "We had an amazing time, thank you!" I waved at them before getting out of the stage.

Kendall PoV

The staff rapidly guided us to the limo, we got inside and the moment the car reached the exit of the parking lot…a while light illuminated everything followed by a faint growl from the sky. A shiver ran through my body leaving me cold like every time I heard a thunder, I tried not to show it so I looked through the window while I chewed my lip hoping that I could get inside the hotel soon, inside my bed and hug my pillow until that hell ended. The minute the limo stopped at the front door I jumped out of it and ran to my room not hearing the guys calling for me, normally after concerts we went to somewhere to have fun but the storm got worse by the minute and I couldn't stay there anymore. Feeling my heart pounding in my chest I walked inside the room, practically ran to close the curtains and got inside bed not even bothering to change my clothes. I closed my eyes, I was tired because of the concert why couldn't I just fall asleep? Another thunder made everything tremble just as the room´s door opened, I was glad I had chosen to give my back to the entrance, I just adjusted the covers so Carlos wouldn't see me that scared. I heard him move around the room being surprisingly silent, but I could only breath a little better when I heard him lay on his bed…now all I had to worry about was the storm.

"Fuck" I breathed putting my hands on my ears when a thunder worthy of a harry potter movie stroked my senses…my mind tried to race back to that day, in a storm just like this one my father had died…not much rain, but lots of rays and thunder…I took a deep breath noticing for the first time that my phone was buzzing silently in my nightstand, I moved to take it feeling my hear hammer against my chest when I saw that I had a text…from James.

**How are you feeling?**

I couldn't believe this, even with everything he was there like he had promised…if I wasn't so scared I would be beaming right now.

**Like shit, why do you care?**

Another fucking thunder…what was with electric storms in this place?

"Because even with all this shit, you´re still my best friend and I care about you" I froze hearing him speak from behind me, slowly I turned just to see James sitting in the empty bed looking intensely at me with his phone in his hands only illuminated by the bathroom light…he knew I hated being in the dark when a storm hit the place "I asked Carlos to switch places with me for tonight, I heard Kelly say that this was going to be a big storm" another big lightning appeared through the edges of the window and all the lights in the room were gone.

"You´ve got to be kidding me!" I cursed covering my face with my hands right before I felt the bed shift next to me, I opened a gap between my fingers seeing James sitting next to me.

"Why did you act like that?" I swallowed at his words, I knew that this would help me distract but it was damn hard to talk to him.

"Because…because I´m an asshole and I freaked out that my best friend really turned out to be a total stranger…then you started hanging with Luca and I guess…I got jealous" being in the dark helped me get this out big time, so I decided to keep talking "I´m sorry for using that fucking name against you, I´m sorry for not being supportive of you when you needed me…I didn't know what regret really was until I found out how much pain I had put you through"

"You know, today I was watching The Looney Tunes Show" he chuckled "It´s really fun to see Bugs and Daffy trying not to kill each other and at the same time being best friends"

"Daffy was always more about himself…I guess now he doesn't fit you" I spoke knowing that he was way better than the duck.

"Oh but I love him" his smile grew bigger, then he sighed going back to the solemn expression "Why the sudden apology?"

"It was way overdue…I just got the balls to…Fuck!" I screamed as a wave of thunders crashed and the next thing I knew was the James was hugging me, letting my face in the crook of his neck.

"It´s ok, don't let it get to you" he whispered, I was frozen and he probably thought I didn't like it that he as hugging me so he quickly let go of me leaving at least a foot of distance between us "Sorry"

"Why are you sorry? You were the one that said that it was hell to be near me, I can´t imagine how awful must be for you to be here" I was glad there were no lights, that way he couldn't see my teary eyes, scared and aching…not a pretty combination.

"I didn't mean that" he said softly "You haven´t been quite the best friend lately…I thought we were going to be fighting the whole trip"

"I don't want to fight you anymore…not like that at least" the lights came back and James gasped when he saw my face…just my luck "Don't look at me like that" I passed my hand though my face knowing that I was blushing.

"We´ve been through worst storms, you can do it" he smiled and I melted being the first real smile he gave me sense before I hit him.

"So…you had a crush on me" he stopped moving not lifting his eyes to meet mine.

"Are you gonna say how disgusted you´re about how I felt?" at this I wanted to hug him and tell him how wrong he was, that I felt a million things with him but nothing disgusting or gross.

"No…I´m sorry I acted like that"_ AIso_ I wanted to say that I didn't feel a pang in my chest when he spoke in past tense, but I couldn't do that…I was right, I couldn't tell him the truth, not now, not never "I missed this…I missed you"

James PoV

"Me too" I decided that after this night I couldn't go back to where we were so I finally made my decision "Friends?" I offered him my hand.

"How could you think of forgiving me with everything I´ve done to you?" he stared at my hand, I saw his eyes darkened in pain.

"Because that´s what friends do…we´re not going back to how we were, I´m not ready for that and I don't know how long will it take me to…but at least we can end this war" I shrugged like it wasn't a big deal, he smiled for the first time giving me a clear view of his dimples –god I missed that smile- as he shook my hand.

"Friends" we let out hands together as we heard more thunders, I noticed his shiver and all I wanted to do was to hug him but the last time I did it he got al tense and awkward…I think that was pushing it a little too much from my part.

"Do you want to talk some more or…?"

"I think we should sleep" he let go of my hand biting his lip "C-could you stay here? T-there´s enough room for both of us" I grimaced…like I was going to sleep next to the subject of my fantasies "Sorry, that was something stupid to say…let´s just sleep" he turned to give his back to me and I saw how he still trembled every time there was a thunder, I couldn't leave him like that.

"I´m staying here" I spoke softly moving to get under the covers and turning to the opposite side of him "Good night"

"Good night"

"_I´m taking you home" he said taking my hand and walking me away from the club, I watched him as he got me inside the cab, he looked shaken and nervous when he told the driver my address…did I do that to him? I grinned watching his nice neck come to view as he turned his head to the window, for some reason I gave a fuck about my insecurities and problems, I just had one thing in mind._

_"You know" I whispered to his ear purposely letting my lips faintly touch his skin smiling at the shiver my caresses triggered "All I can think about" I kissed his neck slowly "Is to fuck you senseless when we get there"_

**Sooo…who wants to kill me because this sucks? Who doesn't think this sucks? Reviews?**

**Take care!**


	11. Chapter 11

**So, they are fiends again…cute right? Hehe Thank you so much for your reviews people! I love you so much for them! **

**With no more to say, here it is xD**

**Enjoy!**

CHAPTER 11

James PoV

"_I wanna fuck you till next week" I breathed into his ear as I pushed him to the wall lowering my arms to get his hands and pin them to the wall using that movement to push myself to him and rub my fucking boner in him, I saw him swallow clearly trying to think, I was not going to let him do that, was I?_

"_James wait…" I loosened my grip on his hands letting them slip down to my chest, he didn't make much effort into push me away, I looked at him, his emerald eyes glowing, his dirty blond hair…his slightly parted lips, I ignored his words as I cupped his chin and got close enough to him, giving him a choice, daring him to take a step up front and this time kiss me willingly…I got close enough to feel his hasty breaths in my lips finding it incredible hard to not take it all the way…until he made the sexiest growl before he closed the gap between our mouths. I didn't even stop to think about our last kiss, all I wanted to do was to take everything he was giving me, I tasted his lips lustfully, his ever wanted flavor making me dizzy. He moaned and I didn't want to lose the chance to explore his beautiful mouth so I pushed my tongue inside it, his hands were now pulling me closer like he wanted this as much as I did._

"_James" he whispered ending the kiss, needing to get my lips busy I started to nibble his neck, sucking his skin until he was marked "We can't…do this" well his tight pants said something different._

"_This dude over here says otherwise" I moved my hand and began palming him._

"_Fuck" he hissed resting his head on my shoulder, I squeezed him once not stopping my hand "James" a shiver ran through my body at the tone he used saying my name, like it was the filthiest word in the world._

"_My name sounds so good when you say it like that" deciding that I wanted to make him crazy I let my hands go to his belt open it and then slowly make their way inside his boxers. His breaths hitched feeling this, but he didn't stop me._

"_God" he said when I encircled his hard on and began pumping him slowly, letting my thumb play with his tip, teasing him as I continued kissing his neck and Jaw, I knew he still had some sort of control over his body but I wanted him lost and completely willing to do this with me, I twisted my hand getting his hips rocking against my hands as he continued moaning lightly…gotcha. Using all my will power I let go of him and took a couple of steps back._

"_If you want more follow me, if not, there's the door" seeing his swollen lips, his fucking hard dick starting to wet itself, his sweaty hair, his marked neck and his lust filled eyes gave me the reassurance that he was not going anywhere, which made my smile grew even more. He gave me one more animalistic groan before taking two steps and clash his lips to mine, and finally there was the Kendall I wanted, fighting for dominance, practically ripping away my shirt, I did the same before I pushed him to the bed, he moved so I he was on top of me and started sucking my neck, making things with his mouth that only made me lose my focus before he lowered to lick one of my nipples as he played with the other "Kendall" I moaned letting my hands on his thighs and bucking up my hips, he let his face in my chest mouthing in pleasure "Did _Jo_ ever make you feel like this?" I asked taking advantage of his sudden vulnerability to switch places and take away the rest of his clothes not loving where my crazy brain had taken me…I didn't want to think of that bitch while I had sex with him but…but I wanted to know that he was over her or that at least I could be more to him than…_

"_No" I froze, his words washing any traces of insecurity, Jo was the closest person he came into loving apart from his family…if I made him feel more, that meant…no I shouldn't get my hopes up just because he was horny._

"_Good to know" wanting him to became goo under my touch I started to kiss lower and lower, taking my time to get his nipples erect and sensitive, then I traced my tongue for the faint lines of his abs sucking every now and then…I moved to face his dick, letting my hot breath caress it letting him know that I was about to do, he groaned and closed his eyes, I was so not having that "Look at me Kendall, I want you to see this" I spoke and waited for him to take a couple of shaky breaths before looking at me, I didn't let the sudden tug of the sheets go unseen as smiled, then I let my tongue out getting the first taste of him following his vein through his whole shaft._

"_Shit!" his eyes rolled backwards as he moaned loudly, I twisted my tongue around every bit of him before going back to the tip licking the pre-cum erupting from it, I decided that it was enough teasing and I gave it a simple kiss before opening my mouth and getting it inside it, noticing the increasing rocking of his hips I firmly immobilized them with my hand as I began pumping my head, continuing moving my tongue inside and helping me a little with my other hand, he was a mess in this moment, no much more before he reached his peak so I removed my hand and began taking all of his cock inside until I felt his hand tangled in my hair pulling it, I shivered and moaned before deep throating him, after that he yelled my name prior to cumming inside my mouth, I was able to swallow it all getting impossibly harder thinking of what I had just done._

"_Mmh you taste better than I imagined it" I said letting him out of my mouth, he looked positively tired after that, I decided that it was my time to get naked so I moved outside the bed and finished taking away my pants and boxers, just as I disposed of my underwear I saw him trying to get up and I ran to sit on top of him "You lost your chance Kendork, sorry but I'm sticking to my word and I'm pretty sure you want it too" I ducked my head and claimed his lips harshly mad that he could still think of leaving this place when it was clear that he wanted to stay too…yeah Kendall Jr. had just woken up again just behind my ass._

"_No James…" I ignored his half hearted protests as I moved my legs so now he was the one hugging my waist with his legs, I used one hand to steady myself as the other started to encircle his entrance letting my face close to his waiting for his reactions "James" he half moaned, I knew he was starting to get uneasy about this but luckily he wasn't backing down again, I pushed my finger inside of him not liking the pained yelp that escaped his sweet lips._

"_Shh, it'll feel better" I kissed his forehead "I promise" if only I could find his prostate soon! I began rocking my finger and I almost smiled when he let a breath out and began meeting it with his hips, taking this as a signal I added a second digit, he grasped hard the sheets at this and I began to worry until I saw his _game face_ on…he wanted to endure this "You're so tight…damn I wanna feel this around my dick…just a little more" knowing that I was loosing the little control I had left I added one last finger, he sucked air clearly in pain "Wait for it" I started curling my fingers desperate to find that damn spot and stop his suffering._

"_FUCK!" he screamed in a way that made me almost lose it completely and fuck him like crazy, I continued passing my fingers through that same spot over and over again until the only thing he could do was moan and groan at my attentions, until he decided to move my head to embrace me in a sloppy sex filled kiss "Do it now, fuck me James" I growled at his words completely pray of the sudden ecstasy that crashed my body, hearing him say that away from my fantasies was something I was not ready for. I took away my fingers and couldn't stop my smile at the whine he gave me at the lose of them, I got into position and took a look at him, his eyes were a hundred percent focused on me, his hands on my chest waiting for me…I couldn't take it, he looked to fucking amazing…I had to tell him that I loved him, somehow I knew that me saying that wouldn't ruin this moment, somehow I knew that probably he reciprocated those feelings…I opened my mouth to speak but my lips found his hungry ones taking away the little sanity I had left, I began getting inside that tight whole of his "Shit!" he hissed when I was almost fully inside of him, I stopped moving not wanting to hurt him, my body protested with a slight tremble…his hands were behind my neck, lightly playing with my brown strands being a delicious distraction as he took deep breaths, then his beautiful emerald orbs came into view again and all I could think about was that this moment was too perfect, to great to be truth…but at the same time I saw so many emotions behind his eyes that made me want to believe everything was real "Move" he whispered snapping me away from my thoughts. I backed my hips before slowly going back in, taking an unhurried phase wanting him to adjust to the intrusion. He moaned pulling me back to another kiss "Faster" I smiled against his lips "Show me what you got" I nibbled his lower lip prior picking up the speed making sure I moved my hips in an attempt of finding his sweet spot again._

"_So hot…so good" I moaned against his ear before he yelled, I continued rocking in that same direction, he grasped my waist digging his nails in pleasure as he met my trusts._

"_James…" he gasped shooting his head back, I took this as an opportunity to kiss his neck some more "I'm going to…oh fuck!" his shoot his seed all over our stomachs, his whole body trembling at the force of his orgasm, his insides closing and hugging my dick driving me insane and making me hit my peak in no time yelling his name. I rode my orgasm only hearing faint moans and whimpers from him until I fell into his chest letting the soothing movement of his respiration calm me. I moved my head to the side smiling at the lowering rate of his heart. His hands started lazily moving through my scalp before he said the words I had never believed he could say to me._

"_I love you"_

I woke up startled…my brain loved playing tricks with me…cruel tricks. I groaned letting my head back into the pillow closing my eyes and taking deep breaths trying to calm my racing heart before I started to take some things in: first, I had a warm body practically glued to mine; second, I was spooning this body and hugging him tightly from its waist; third, this body was Kendall.

"AH!" I screamed in panic pushing away the body only to see him disappear from the bed and hearing a muffled sound before a faint _auch_…did I just pushed Kendall out of the bed? Concerned I moved to the edge of it only to see him laying on his stomach and slowly raising his head clearly surprised "Y-you fell of the bed buddy!" I said in a high pinched tone "Ha! Ha! Such a kid!" he moved to glare at me just in the moment when I felt the wetness in my boxers…I did not want him to see what his closeness had caused so I moved to get up from the other side of the bed "Gotta shower!" I pretty much ran to the bathroom and only breathed again when I was behind a locked door…things were getting way out of hand.

Kendall PoV

I moved to stand up smiling at the door that had closed behind James remembering just some minutes before he woke up.

_I was trying hard to go back to sleep after a fucking thunder had stricken leaving me a trembling mess…until I felt James' arm slid through my waist and hug me tight, my heart began to hammer my chest until I heard a small snore letting me know that he was still sleeping…_disappointed much?_ At first I wanted to move him back to his side of the bed because if he woke up he would probably freak out…but I also needed to sleep so I moved my thoughts away and drifted to sleep happily with his body next to mine, his soft breathing caressing my neck…his hard on…yeah at this I had to use all of my control to not get one of my ow. I didn't know how much time I slept until I clearly felt him holding me tighter and ROCKING his hips against my ass…I turned back to see him fully asleep, he was clearly having a wet dream…I was deciding what I should do when a moaned word escaped his lips._

"_Kendall" I stopped moving or thinking at this…was he dreaming about me? He moaned loudly bucking his hips again, I had to bit my lip to not answer his moan with one of my own…what was I supposed to do? "DidJoevermakeyoufeellikethis?" he mumbled against my neck making me smile, he sounded cute…yeah I was thinking that he was cute when he was practically fucking me fully clothed in his slee…I was such a dreamy teen girl when it came to him…I frowned trying to decipher his words in an attempt of getting my mind less worked out about the whole thing…I started mouthing the sound he made trying to get some words out of it…when I did my whole being shivered…Did _Jo ever make you feel like this?_ He had said that to me that first time…could it be that he was dreaming about it? That he remembered through his dreams but didn't know that they were actually truth? I wasn't very found of science but I knew enough to know that it was possible…all I had to do was listen closely to anything that left his mouth and see if any of that resembled what he had said to me…it wasn't hard to remember his words because that entire night was engraved in my brain so perfectly that I could even remember his expressions in every moment. I had to bite my knuckles suffocating a groan when his hand moved lower, deciding that it was not good if he took it any lower I grasped it with enough force that he stopped moving it…that was one less problem…the other were his damn sexy hips that kept bucking to me making me harder every time. He mumbled some more stuff but I couldn't quite catch it to overanalyze it…maybe he wasn't dreaming of that…maybe it was just a coincidence "Sotight…wanna…this…mycock" after this little ramble he nuzzled my neck…it was so unfair! Then again that also sounded like something he had said to me…or I was just making his stupid noises a lot more important than they were._

"_Shit" I hissed at one particular hard trust after a little bite in my neck. I pushed my lips together not wanting to make more noise, I knew that if he woke up like this he would freak…I just had to wait for the dream to end, then fake sleep so he wouldn't freak and just keep this a secret…then maybe later I could think straight about this shit and about telling him the truth because after this I certainly knew he wasn't indifferent at me at all._

"_So hot…so good" I could swear my heart stopped at this, he said it so clear and perfect that there was no doubt…besides his rocking became a lot more erratic letting me know that he was close "Kendall" he yelled against my neck hugging my body impossibly close letting me feel the wetness in his boxers before he became limp and relaxed. _

I had heard him groan and knew that he had just woken up, I had closed my eyes praying that my breaths weren't harsh, I had expected him to untangle himself from me and move to his side and pretend everything was fine…but I had forgotten that even with the changes I had seen in his behavior, he was still _my_ James…so he yelled, he freaked and he fucking pushed me out of the bed! I sighed looking down at my still hard member…oh well a cold shower had to get rid of that one. I walked to the bathroom door.

"James?" I called after knocking once "Dude, are you ok?"

"Y-ye-yeah why wouldn't I be?" he stuttered from the other side of the door with his signature high pitch voice…after a long of time hearing him speak in his normal voice it was nice to hear him a little out of control like this, it meant that he probably remembered the dream.

"You looked kind of stressed a couple of minutes ago" from what I could hear the shower wasn't running yet.

"I-I'm fine…I just…I had a weird dream" his voice sounded serious now, he was really thinking about it…that was probably the sign I needed, I knew I had to tell him.

"When you're done showering…" before I finished talking I heard a knock on the door…I was glad I was still wearing my pants so my boner didn't show much, I walked to open the door only to find a concerned Carlos.

"No one is dead, right?" he asked hopeful.

"Nah…" he walked inside and raised an eyebrow seeing that one bed was made and the other a mess "James got up early and made his bed before going to shower" wow that came up pretty easy even if we were at a hotel and people don't usually make their beds at hotels and...crap Carlos was smiling like an idiot "I'll tell you later" I whispered at him when we both heard the shower start running inside the bathroom, I guessed I had to wait to talk to James…but Carlos nodded letting me know that he would tell Logan what he had seen and that both of them would be on my back until I told them what was up with James…_perfect._

"Hey we have an interview at the lobby in an hour, so hurry up" Carlos smiled taking his suitcase and exiting the room. I let out a breath before going back to bed and turning on the TV to watch some sponge bob, it was around nine so we were good on time and Gustavo wouldn't kill us yet…and no I didn't want him to kill me just yet because I was pretty sure James remembered that night even if he didn't know it.

James PoV

I started my shower still a little shaken about that whole…_event…_Fuck I was an idiot! Kendall had just stopped hating me and there I was sleeping next to him, getting intoxicated by him only to have the weirdest wet dream ever and wake up to know I had been gridding on him and had practically cummed over him…and on top of that I had push him off the bed…God I was so embarrassed! How could I face him after this! Well yeah he didn't know what had really happened but I did and I was damn obvious about some stuff and this was part of that _some stuff_…shit!

"Get your mind of things" I whispered to myself because if I kept thinking about this it was more likely that the minute I saw Kendall I would turn into a stuttering tomato…not a pretty sight! Maybe I could think about what were Carlos and Logan hiding from me….yes that was a nice thing to get distracted. Carlos seemed awfully nervous about it, and Logan had gone to quite a trouble to avoid being alone with me, which only meant he wanted to tell me but something stopped him from doing it…what could it be to have two of my best friends acting like this? And what Kendall had to do in all of this? Yep, time to call Luca and _make_ him tell me what the hell was going on.

**Oh it was time for some decent smut, don't you think?**

**What do you guys think of this chapter? Love it? Hate it? Hate me? Lol**

**And yeah even if it pains me to say this, this story only has like two more chapters…and then time to start a new one (heard of the Mortal Instruments series, I'm doing a Malec fic!) and then back to BTR, what do you want next? A new Kames (with Cargan in it!) or a Jagan? You pick xD but know that I would not start it until I'm done with the TMI fic.**

**Take care and again THANK YOU FOR ALL THE LOVE! You're awesome guys!**


	12. Chapter 12

**I´m concerned, in the last few days I´ve seen too little activity here on FF o0 hardy any reviews, or updates…are you guys already in school?**

**Anyways, thanks for your votes! You can keep voting until this story is done then you´ll see the winner (I´ll leave a little preview for you!)**

**Thanks for the reviews and faves! You rock!**

**Enjoy!**

CHAPTER 12

James PoV

I finished drying myself and just then I remembered that I hadn´t brought any clothes with me. Fuck. I bit my lip…I could just take a towel and get out like that but…the main reason Kendall had stopped talking to me was because he felt uncomfortable in those kinds of situations, even if we were_ friends_ again I didn't think he was over that…and I didn't want to lose this little peace we had left. Maybe I could ask him to give me my bag…yeah that was the best option.

"Kendall?" I said out loud hoping he would hear me over the TV, even in here I could hear Sponge Bob laughing.

"Yeah?" the TV went mute.

"I forgot my clothes, could you give me my bag please?"

"I´m too tired to get up, just put a towel on" I blinked surprised by his words…maybe he was over his discomfort or he was trying to show me that he regretted his words…either way I had to get out with just a towel…after that dream…I hoped James Jr. could sleep through this one. I took a deep breath, adjusted the towel on my waist and walked out. He was laying on his bed, the minute I stepped out his eyes shoot to me and all I could do was blush at the stare he gave me, his eyes darkened in a way I had literally only seen in my dreams, I was sure that he was practically scanning my body and that simple look was enough to turn me on…luckily I had on one of the big thick towels that perfectly covered that part of me.

"W-what are you looking at?" I stuttered grasping the towel while he stood up and grabbed his clothes, he kept silent until he stepped right in my personal bubble making me swallow at his closeness, his eyes never letting go of that gleam.

"Nothing" he smiled smugly shamelessly eyeing me one last time before getting inside the bathroom. I felt my heart beat at inhuman rates as I laid my back on the wall…what had just happened? I passed a hand through my face, nothing, it was nothing…it was all my imagination, I was still disturbed by that dream. I shook my head and walked to get my bag and started changing trying to think of dead puppies and boobs to lower my boner...that worked marbles until Kendall walked out when I was combing my hair…just wearing his tight black boxers. _Well hello James Jr. not glad that you decided to wake up _"Fuck I forgot we had to hurry for that interview" he said while drying his hair with a towel, I tried not to look at him as I walked to my bed and sat starting to put my shoes on.

"What interview?" at least my voice sounded normal enough…until he decided to stand in front of me, still wearing his god damn boxers giving me a nice view of his…_don't think about it James!…_I was sure that if I spoke any word would either be a high pitch yelp or a moan…I hadn't decided yet.

"Dunno…hey I wanted to thank you for last night" he scratched his head, I had to make myself look up –not before taking a nice glance at his abs…couldn't stop myself- to his face and keep my eyes in there "I was an ass to you, but you overlooked that and came here…thank you…you´re a true friend,_ bud_" I tried not to wince at his last words…_back to where we started_.

"No worries dude" I stood up regretting it a little too late when I noticed that he was standing rather close to the bed and didn't move letting us less than half foot apart "I-I have to get lunch…I´m starving" I was sure I was blushing right now…and the amused sparkle in his eyes told me that he noticed.

"I´m sure you are" he chuckled before taking a step back and going for his clothes…thank God! "Could you wait for me? I´m sure Carlos and Logan already ate and I don't want to eat alone" I heard him ask when my hand was at the door.

"Yeah, I´ll wait there for you" said this I walked out and let out a breath when I was at the hallway…my mind kept playing games with me. I sighed going to the elevator as I took out my phone and dialed Luca.

"Morning sunshine" he answered in a less than happy voice, he was not a morning person.

"Morning, how are you doing _you-bad-friend-that-ignores-my-calls_?"

"Perfect, and you? How are things with Kendall? Did he apologize?" he sounded genuinely hopeful.

"Yeah…he did, last night" I was glad I was inside the elevator alone and no one could see my stupid grin "We´re friends again"

"Isn´t that why you ran away from him? Because you couldn't handle being _just friends_"

"After losing him like that I don't care if we´re just friends, even if it hurts like hell" I rested my back against the wall "He´s acting weird though"

"Weird, huh" I could sense the smile on his tone. _That was odd_ "How?"

"M-maybe it´s just me…" I said more to myself "I have my mind filled with these weird dreams and I think I´m overanalyzing stuff…yeah that must be it"

"When you stop mumbling to yourself could you explain me what are those weird dreams about?" I bit my lip…should I tell him or should I not tell him? "Come on James, how can I help you if I don't have any idea what you´re talking about?" _Point for Luca._

"About Kendall…and me" I sounded my throat, he kept silent letting me know that he wanted me to go on "Doing…things"

"And how is that weird? You´re a dude, and dude´s have wet dreams" I chuckled at this hoping that he was at his house and not the bar where everybody could hear him.

"Yeah but…they are like…connected or something…they feel weird because even as the days go by I remember them perfectly…and h-he…he says he loves me" I had to swallow the lump in my throat that this created knowing that I would never hear him say that in real life.

"By any chance those dreams were inside your house?" he asked slowly, I frowned getting out of the elevator and walking to the restaurant.

"…yes"

"Oh…_Oh_…t-that means that y-you…that you want it to happen, yeah in those crazy dream books says that…well I gotta go, bye!" and he hung up…_okay_…WHAT THE FUCK WAS GOING ON? I sat on a table and waited till the waiter purred me some coffee in my cup…I needed to corner Carlos again, maybe at the bus, that way he couldn't run.

"What are you planning?" asked Kendall sitting next to me.

"That was fast" I blinked surprised.

"Took the stairs" he shrugged "You didn't answer"

"Why do you say that?"

"Because you have you´re planning face on…again, what are you planning?"

"Nothing…" I took a sip of my coffee "So…" what could be a nice topic to talk with your _recently-back-to-talking-ex-best-friend_?

"You woke up pretty shaken up…what were you dreaming about?" I had to make a real physical effort to not spill my coffee all over him.

"I don't remember" I mumbled using all my years of practice to lie in his face.

"Has someone told you that you are a pretty good liar?" he smiled but his eyes kept…blank, again I couldn't read them and _again_ I didn't like it.

"Once or twice" I accepted "How are you? Did you get any sleep last night?" I asked looking at the dark circles under his eyes…well he did look a little better than last morning.

"Enough" he sighed passing a hand through his hair before snatching my coffee from me and taking a nice gulp "What are you going to say if they ask you about being gay at the interview?"

"Well Gustavo warned me about that…I will accept everything, like I told you before I have nothing to hide" I raised my hand to call the waitress as I retrieved my cup, she walked to us with a huge smile on her face.

"You´re from big time rush, aren't you?" she squeaked looking at us with wide eyes.

"Yes we are" smiled Kendall "I promise we will take a picture with you if you get us our plates fast, I´m starving"

"Sure! What can I get you?" We ordered some pancakes and then took photos with the girl before she ran to the kitchen probably to show her friends the photos and hurry the cooks.

"Charming fans to do things for you…you´re finally learning" I smiled making him laugh that obnoxious laugh of his…yeah I missed that so damn much!

"Yeah…so James…what´s new in your life? How´s the bar?" he put his elbows in the table and stared at me giving me all his attention.

"…fine" I couldn't think enough to give him another answer with those emerald eyes looking at me like that.

"What did I told you about that word?" he raised his eyebrow…yeah he had to remind me of that fucking day, he had to go and act like he hadn´t crushed my heart right after he said those words…no I didn't need to think of that! I had enough in my mind to start thinking of that again.

"As _ambiguous_ as it sounds, that´s how I´m doing! I´m not good and that´s thanks to_ you_! But I guess things aren't _that_ bad…" his eyes darkened in pain as he looked back at the table.

"I´m so…"

"Stop apologizing!" I snapped surprising even myself, he frowned looking at me and for the first time I saw a whole different emotion in his eyes…and I couldn't bring myself to name it because that meant that…_that I was going insane_, yeah that was it.

"Why?"

"Because…just do it…I have already forgiven you, I don't want you to apologize every time we speak…I just want to stop thinking of that day"

Kendall PoV

He looked pissed, he grasped his head with his hands like he was exhausted, like he didn't want to think anymore…that he was still heartbroken by my stupid decisions.

"I won´t then" I said trying to think of something more to ask him, at first my plan had been to somehow _seduce_ him to see if he still felt something for me…now that I knew that at least physically he was still attracted to me I had to know how deep his feelings were "Have you called Luca?"

"Why do you want to know about him?" he frowned clearly suspicious about my question, I knew he had figured out that we were hiding something from him and that he was resolved in finding out…he was going to find out, just not at that particular moment.

"No specific reason, I just thought it was a way to start another conversation…he seems nice" I shrugged and his look turned into a disbelieving one.

"I´m actually concerned about the sanity of the people I consider my friends…first you hate each other, now he asks me about you and you ask me about him…that is not right" he shook his head.

"Sometimes when you don't like someone you find that that person cares about the same things you do…then with some common ground you start to not dislike that person so much" he gave me a puzzled look…yeah that hadn't come out right "He cares about you, that's enough for me to know that he´s nice" I raised my hand and caressed his cheek, he froze with his eyes wide.

"Here´s your breakfast" smiled the waitress making me take away my hand, James kept unmoving she left.

"Aren´t you going to eat?" I asked raising my eyebrow completely amused by his growing blush…oh yeah I had an effect on him. He closed his eyes and passed a hand through his hair while taking a deep breath.

"Yeah" he mumbled and began eating not rising his gaze from the plate.

"Are you ok? You seem…troubled" I smiled taking a bite and letting the fork slip through my lips slowly capturing his darkened eyes…I thought of licking it too but it was maybe a little too much at the moment.

"I-I´m fine" he rolled his eyes "I´m ok, just thinking"

"Morning!" said Carlos´ happy voice appearing next to us and sitting in one of the chairs "I´m glad to see that none of you is dead…and that you´re eating together"

"Well that´s what friends do" spoke James smiling at our hyper friend clearly relieved to have someone else there "Do you know who´s interviewing us?"

"Nope" he took a bite of my pancakes "Logan might know, he said he will be here soon"

"Haven´t you eat already?" I asked guarding the rest of my food from a very whiny Carlos.

"Yes but I´m still hungry" he pouted before turning right and waving at Logan.

"You haven't killed each other, that's good" he sat in the remaining chair.

"They´re friends again" mumbled Carlos trying to get food from James´ plate.

"Friends?" Logan looked at me with his eyebrow raised clearly not convinced about how things were turning.

"Yeah…do you know who´s interviewing us?" I changed the subject and he obviously saw it but didn't push it.

"A guy from the local newspaper, are you done yet? We have to get going"

"Just let me go and wash my teeth" I finished my food, James made a sign that he would be doing the same as we stood up and went back to the elevator. The slow trip up was a little awkward but I was thankful that we weren't the only ones there, once we reached out floor we stepped out and James got his key to open the door.

"Have you talked to Jo?" he started washing his not looking at my confused expression…why the hell would he bring her up?

"Yeah some days ago…why do you ask? Are you jealous" I whispered right behind his back directly at his ears letting my hands on his hips…he spilled the water all over the sink before he began coughing glaring at me from the mirror.

"What´s with you today?" he finally asked resting his hands on the sink.

"Nothing" I began cleaning my teeth ignoring his angry stare, he groaned in annoyance before storming out of the room…was I a terrible person for liking tormenting him this much? Probably but I could make it up for him later.

I finished and hurried back to the lobby, only to find all of them, Gustavo and Kelly waiting for me. We walked to a little conference room where a middle age woman was waiting for us.

"Good morning guys, I´m Stacy" she introduced herself shaking each of our hands before signaling us to seat in a big couch, Carlos and Logan made sure I was sitting next to James, who still seemed kind of mad "Well, first I would love for you to introduce yourselves and being that this month we´re talking about food in our section, you could also tell us which is your favorite food"

"Hi, I´m Logan Mitchell and I like pizza"

"Wazza! I´m Carlos Garcia and I love corndogs"

"Hello, I´m Kendall Knight and I guess my favorite food is Chinese"

"Hi, I´m James Diamond and I´ve recently found a love for Italian food" I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes at this…even if I didn't hate Luca now, it didn't mean that I loved that he was a big presence in James´ life.

"Well that´s perfect, now tell me how does it feel to sing in a packed stadium? Having millions of girls screaming for you and singing your every song?"

"It´s amazing" started Logan "We were just four boys from Minnesota and now a lot of people know our names and sing our songs…it´s amazing"

"And the girls love us!" yelled Carlos making her chuckle.

"Well I don't know about the girls" smiled James "But I do love singing"

"Oh about that!" started the reporter "How do you guys feel about James coming out?"

"Oh they´ve been great" James kept his smile even if I saw his eyes lose some of their glow "They´ve supported me every step of the way and everything´s just perfect"

"Yeah I mean, he is the same James that taught me how to skate" chuckled Logan "Or that had trouble with math" at this all of them laughed.

"Yes and even like this he gets me dates" winked Carlos, I just rolled my eyes at them…yeah maintain the pretty image, for some reason I wanted James to snap and tell everybody how much of I douche bag I was…to show that he still cared enough about me, because I still thought that he had forgiven me way to easily.

"Kendall?"

"W-wha…? Oh sorry I zoomed out" I smiled shaking my head "What was the question again?"

"How do you feel about James coming out?" she eyed me suspiciously, like she knew something was up with us.

"I feel that…" I looked down carefully choosing my words "I think that he´s a really brave guy, that even knowing that there are people that don't like the way he is, he still took a step up and screamed to the world who he is…and I admire him for that" I could see James´ cheeks turning a light shade of red.

"That is so sweet" she said putting her hand on top of mine, like she really was affected by my words…I saw how James´ eyes shoot directly at that and how one of his hands fisted…oh he was jealous.

"Yes, and thanks to that he made me realize a lot of stuff about myself…things that I want to shout the world because I also don't want to have anything to hide anymore" her eyes gleamed with interest, yes she was going to have a nice story.

"Could you tell us any of these things?" I grinned raising my eyes to find Gustavo and Kelly, they were giving me a _what the fuck are you doing?_ Stare clearly not knowing what I was about to do…some might be surprised, some might me pissed…but I just hoped that James wouldn't hate me for what I was about to say.

"I´m gay too" I said then I gave her my most charming smile.

**Review? Pretty please xD**


	13. Chapter 13

CHAPTER 13

James PoV

_I'm gay too_. He said…he fucking said it like it was the simplest thing in the whole fucking world…like all of us knew that _statement_ and the only person surprised about this was that fucking reporter, like he hadn't treated me like shit the second he found out about me being gay…was that why he acted that way during the morning? Was that why he fucking apologized? Only because he fucking found out he liked it in his ass too! Fuck. FUCK…damn I can't stop fucking saying _fuck_…that's how pissed I am with his whole fucking act…what is he gaining from this? Was this a fucking joke? Was that why he fucking flirted with me the whole morning? The fucker…FUCKING SHIT! Now I have to look like I'm not about to smack his pretty face with my fucking fist, like this whole interview is something planned…so far Logan only rolled his eyes and Carlos smiled…the fuckers knew about this…Gustavo and Kelly look surprised enough, at least I wasn't the last to know because I would have fucking killed him in front of the media if that was the case…but why did Carlos and Logan know? They had hardly even spoken to Kendall in this whole time! Wasn't he supposed to fucking trust me more than them? Or at lest tell me because I went through the same fucking thing? Now he was there smiling, a complete fucking _charm_ to that fucking whore while she asked him questions keeping her fucking hand on his…and why the fuck was I so pissed at her? She was flirting with a gay dude! What a looser! Then again I kissed a straight dude…that now says he's gay…fuck my head hurts_…keep the smile James, like you're supporting your best friend, like there isn't a fucking war inside you…_

She asked him for how long had he known this, he said that he had always had that feeling but he hadn't accepted it until recently…_before or after you broke my heart _bud_?_ Then she asked him about the fans and his family and _bla bla bla_…I tried to zoom out, but being the _other gay _in the band the fucking reporter kept asking me my opinion in all of this…well all I did was tell her _exactly_ what I thought.

"Like Logan said" I began moving my eyes to Kendall…he had the nerve to smile at me, like he expected me to jump of joy because I had a new _GBFF_…think again Kendork "Kendall is the same, I don't care about his preferences, he's my _bud_" I said the word with enough venom to wipe the smile of Kendall's face "I'll be at his side _no matter what_"

"I wish I had a friendship like yours" sighed the reporter…_stupid bitch…_ apparently my acting was too good for her "Well as much as I hate to say this, we don't have time left… thank you so much guys!" she shook our hands and the minute she was out of the place I got up not being able to stay there much longer.

"James!" screamed Kendall going after me…I was not in the mood to hear him speak so I turned to glare at him.

"If you fucking follow me, or talk to me in the rest of your fucking life I will hit you until I can't see you fucking face anymore" I hissed, he took a couple of steps back completely stunned, the other guys looked at me wide eyed, they had never seen me snap like that to anybody…if I wasn't this mad I would probably be scared of my own reaction, but at the moment I didn't care, I just wanted to be left alone and away from Kendall. Seeing that nobody made a attempt to stop me I stomped away from that fucking place and out of the hotel, taking fast steps towards a park I saw near by…when I got there I harshly put out my headphones and played the kind of music I only liked to hear when I was like this, rock that my normal self wouldn't handle, but today was all I could let myself hear…my heart was beating so fast that I couldn't stay unmoving…without knowing I began running around the park trying to only focus on the music and leave my emotional hurricane aside.

It's not enough, it's not enough. It never was or will be.  
>I never had the chance to thank you FOR RIPPING OUT MY HEART!<br>It's not enough, it's not enough. It never was or will be.  
>I never got the chance to say FUCK YOU!<p>

Don't wanna be your tourniquet, for minor lacerations!  
>Don't wanna be your Romeo cause you're no goddamn Juliet!<br>(You always did know... Just what to say... Insult to injury...)  
>YOU JUST LOVED TO HATE ME!<p>

It's not enough, it's not enough. It never was or will be.  
>I never had the chance to thank you FOR RIPPING OUT MY HEART!<br>It's not enough, it's not enough. It never was or will be.  
>I never got the chance to say FUCK YOU!<p>

I felt angry tears roll down my eyes as I began to stop not having the strength to keep going…I fell on my knees letting out a sob… Why did I have to love him this much? Why did he love to play me like that? Why couldn't I really hate him for all the pain he had put me through? I had resign myself to never have him because he was straight, he could never love me the way I wanted him to, I even thought we could be friends again…but now…_now_ I hated him because not even liking men he could see me as something else…I was pissed at myself for being hurt by this, for giving him so much power over myself. I fisted my hands cutting some grass with my fingers before I started hitting the floor repeatedly letting my head on the grass…I didn't care if everyone saw me, I didn't care if a fan recognized me or if some reporter was around and got interested in me…I just wanted to close myself to the world and stop feeling like this.

"Stupid…stupid" I raised my head only to look at the overly clouded sky…well Kendall had to take care of his stupid fear by himself from now on. I cleaned my face with my hand not bothering to look at the people around me. I moved my feet so I was sitting in a more comfortable position hugging my knees as I let my head fall into my arms…I didn't want to cry anymore, but I couldn't help it…the rage was slowly draining away leaving me there with no idea of how I really felt. Was I angry at Kendall? _Yes_…did I over react? _Maybe_…did I want to go back and talk to Kendall? _Not sure_…would I stand my word and make him puree if he approached me? Honestly…_no_. I heard some footsteps close to me, I moved my gaze to find Logan walking to me with his hands on his pockets looking troubled…like he knew I was pissed at him simply for _knowing_.

"C-can I sit here?" he hesitantly asked.

"It's a public place, you can do what you want" I mumbled letting my head fall again, I heard him sit next to me…my patience was going to be tested because Logan Mitchell was not the one for talks like this…not when he knew he was in trouble too at least.

"So…can I talk to my best friend?"

"If you find him you can" I didn't lift my gaze at all…yeah I was like a little kid but I didn't fucking care.

"James…we knew because he told us the day before" and that was like a kick in the gut.

"_Thank you_ for reminding me that he told you and a fucking reporter before telling me" I moved to get up but Logan's quick goal keeper reflexes kicked in and pulled me back down by my arm.

"You stay there until I'm done talking!" I blinked stunned by his angry tone…_okay_…I will behave for this time…I was too drained to fight him after all "Jeez…you two are going to drive us insane!" he passed a hand through his face "How do you feel?" I wanted to scream, to trash, to kick something…but I knew that I had to calm and think…why the anger? How did I really feel?

"Betrayed" I whispered feeling tears trying to break free "Hurt…heartbroken" I sniffed "Last night we talked…almost like before all of _this_, why couldn't he tell me? Why did he tell you and not me?" _Why can't he love me?_ He sighed like he could hear my silent question before hugging me from my shoulders.

"He does" _he does?_ He does what? "And you know it"

"Well doctor Logan…you've just confused me even more" I grumbled "Care to explain what the fuck do you mean?"

"Nope" he had the nerve to smile at me "Only Kendall can tell you"

"Don't mention him" I fisted my hands almost automatically.

"I will, and I'll continue until you give him a chance to talk to you…we both know he's an impulsive idiot…"

"I wont forgive him just because _that's how he is_" Logan was about to argue when his phone started ringing, normally when we were having a talk like this he turned off, but this time he answer it.

"It's Luca" he said as soon as he saw my accusing eyes, I sighed relaxing, yeah I could use a talk with him too "What do you…? And Kendall…so you told him? Oh okay" I frowned…this whole Luca and Kendall business was getting old…they hated each other, they thought they weren't bad…they kept asking for each other…the guys were keeping something from me…OMG HOW DIDN'T I SEE THIS BEFORE? I snatched the phone from Logan wanting to speak to the fucking traitor.

"YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH KENDALL, AREN'T YOU?" I shouted at him.

"W-what? No James…"

"DON'T FUCKING LIE TO ME! FUCKING TRAITOR! Was all of that talk about your dick? Did it get you horny? Did you two fuck each other yet?" my voice was about to break out of hurt, the guy that called himself my new best friend and the guy I loved…this was too much.

"James stop…" started Logan trying to reach his phone but I slapped away his hand.

"Answer me you asshole!" I practically barked to the phone wanting to hear it in his own words.

"No James I don't love Kendall nor he loves me" he said in a calm voice.

"Then WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU KEEPING FROM ME?" _I did NOT feel relived that he was speaking the truth…_at all_._

"THAT THE GUY YOU SLEPT WITH WHEN YOU WERE DOPED WAS KENDALL!" he yelled so loud that I was sure everybody in the park heard him; I stopped moving and I could swear my heart skipped a couple of beats at this…no…no, it couldn't be truth because that meant…that meant that…

"Your dreams are in fact, memories" said Kendall's voice at my right. Slowly I turned my gaze to him, his eyes were red and tired, his face was masking a wave of agony that only us, the people that really knew him, could see under the motionless surface.

"What did I tell you about showing your face again?" I growled not wanting to deal with all the emotions he triggered every time he got near me…or think that all of those dreams were truth.

"I don't care" he moved and got into his knees in front of me, I stubbornly kept my eyes on the floor knowing that I had no power over his emerald ones "Hit me all you want, kill me if that makes you happy…but I'm not leaving you, not now, not ever" well that was dramatic…and it certainly hit the right nerve because I felt myself shudder at his words "Please James, let's go back to the hotel and talk…please" his voice broke right at the last word…not saying anything I started to get up noticing that Carlos was also there…I took a deep breath before I turned to the blond an gave him a small nod and started walking back to the hotel…I had so many questions bubbling inside my head and I knew that he was the only one that could really answer them.

"Could you give me my phone?" asked Logan making me realize that I still had it and that Luca was still in there, I put the device in my ear hearing his breathing, he hadn't hung up.

"I'm sorry" I said to the phone before giving it to Logan…I almost missed the glimpse inside Kendall's eyes –who was walking beside me-, it was something I had witnessed every time he looked at Jett when he was still with Jo, except a hundred times _bigger_, a possessiveness that made his blood boil and his rationality to disappear…he hated Luca because he was jealous…they knew that they weren't bad people but couldn't be closer because Kendall got like this every time they saw each other…and I had never figured it out…fuck, what other things did I miss?

We reached the hotel, Carlos and Logan went to talk to Gustavo leaving me alone with Kendall to go up to our room…_the trip in the elevator wasn't awkward at all_…we reached the door and I opened getting in first leaving him closing the room…at least the maid had already been there cleaning the bed so it wouldn't be there _mocking me_…I walked giving him my back and stood up awkwardly in the middle of the room waiting for him to say something…anything.

"C-can I sing you something?" I kind of expected everything except that…I frowned before turning to see him, he was lying his back against the door, his emerald eyes looking right to me, pleading…I didn't know what a song would do for us, but I decided to give him a chance, I gave him another nod and he moved to get his guitar.

"I-It's not done yet and I'm not sure if it's good…but it's for you" he said as he sat in the bed, I mirrored him sitting in the opposite bed…he took a shaky deep breath, like his life depended on that song…maybe both of hour lives depended on it…and then he started singing.

Now I know I messed up bad  
>You were the best I ever had<br>I let you down in the worst way  
>It hurts me every single day<br>I'm dying to let you know

Now I'm here to say I'm sorry  
>And ask for a second chance<br>Cause when it all comes down to the end  
>I could sure use a friend<p>

So many things I would take back  
>You were the best I ever had<br>I don't blame you for hating me  
>I didn't mean to make you leave<p>

You and I were living like a love song  
>I feel so bad, I feel so bad that you're gone<br>Now I know you're the only one that I want  
>I want you back, I want you<p>

Now I'm here to say I'm sorry  
>And ask for a second chance<br>Cause when it all comes down to the end  
>I could sure use a friend<br>Now I'm here to say I'm sorry  
>And ask for a second chance<br>All I want to do is make it up to you  
>Cause when it all comes down to the end<br>You were the best I ever had

We fell in love for a reason  
>Now you're leaving<br>And I just want you back  
>So many things we believed in<br>Now you're leaving and words won't bring you back 

"I'll never let go of the heart I broke…" he trailed off looking part lost, part embarrassed… _and completely gorgeous_…God it was so hard to stay mad at him "T-that's what I have so far" he said and I noticed a small blush making its way through his cheeks…_Kendall Knight rarely blushed_…I was there completely immobile his words sinking in my soul with every breath…I closed my eyes thinking of all of those dreams…those memories…in each one of them he had told me that he loved me…I saw his fear at the beginning –now that I could somehow put them in order-, he didn't want anything to happen because of the state I was in, but he had given in at the end…I shivered…_we had had sex, more than once_…I had been inside of him, loving him and thinking that everything was right…until morning.

"Where were you that morning?" I asked not opening my eyes…yeah I remembered him being there when I got out but still, why did he leave me in the first place?

"I went to get you coffee and painkillers" he said softly "I came back and you yelled at me to leave you alone…I-I didn't know that you didn't remember anything…I thought that I had screwed up _again_…it's all I've been doing lately" I looked at him, seeing him this vulnerable outside a thunder storm was not normal…the part of me that wanted to kick him in the balls was slowly fading, being replaced by the part that wanted to run and kiss him, the part that wanted to believe that this was real.

"That's why you were so down" I said mostly to myself, but he nodded anyway putting his guitar on the floor.

"And I get to the van only to hear you say that being close to me is hell" he smiled the saddest most broken smile I had ever seen…maybe I wasn't the only one suffering from this, without knowing I had broken his heart too and even with all of that he kept running for me "Yesterday I talked to Luca…he said that you didn't remember…maybe there was still hope for us" he shrugged looking down "Then the storm happened…and your dream happened" at this it was my turn to look down blushed "You told Carlos and Logan that you didn't love me anymore…but I had hope, I wanted to believe that you still cared about me, I just needed to know…that's why I acted like that when we woke up…telling the reporter" I must've made a face because that sad smile came back "That was a stupid decision I took in two seconds…when I saw your smile I blinded myself with hope…until you called me _bud_" oh by the way he said it, he hated that word too…that was good "And well, we both know what happened next" he took a deep breath before raising his gaze from the ground to me "Could you say something? P-please" I saw his eyes, broken, pleading…his defeated gaze…and I couldn't hold back, I stood up, took two steps and ducked my head to take his lips. At first he was hesitant but then threw all worry away and kissed me back, letting his hands slide through my shoulders until they were in my neck pulling me close to him, I started to push him until we were both lying on the bed, our kiss not ending...I remembered his lips, his taste and his smell mixing in my senses making everything come back…every word, every moan and gasp that left his mouth were now in my heart, where they should be…I felt his hands push me up finishing our kiss.

"James wait" his eyes kept in mine looking for answers…I knew what he needed to hear and honestly I couldn't wait to tell him.

"I love you" I saw him literally stop breathing before he pulled for an even more breathtaking kiss, this time when we stopped to take in some much needed air his smile was so bright and happy that made my heart give leaps of joy…I was probably doing the same.

"I love you too…so, so much" I gave him an Eskimo kiss not loosing my smile until we heard two shy knocks in the door.

"So, have you told each other that you love each other?" mocked Logan's voice "Because Gustavo says we have a schedule to follow, so he can only give you fifteen minutes…make it quick and we'll see you in the lobby!" we both laughed at this…the bastard knew we wouldn't last too long with our fight.

"So, what do you say? Do we put those minutes to _good_ use?" I asked moving to nibble his neck while I felt his hands lazily caressing my hair until he pushed me so we could look at each other' s eyes.

"Nope" I frowned gaining a small smile from him "When we have sex again I want it to be good, better than last time, I want to love you with everything I have…and I can't do that in fifteen minutes" he bruised his lips to mine "After all, if you don't move your ass back home I'm moving in with you" I chuckled at this "And we'll have all the time in the world"

"I'm home wherever you are, if having you means moving back to 2J I will gladly do it" I kissed him slowly, nibbling his lip tasting his lips before I moved so I was resting my ear on his chest hearing his quick heartbeat and I began humming the melody of the song he had just sung to me "You are the best I have…and for your own good, that better stays like that forever"

THE END.

**Soooo This is a rap! It's done! Finito! Se acabó! =D**

**What did you think of this chapter?**

**What about the whole story?**

**I know that I said that I would put on a little preview about the new KAMES story (yep it won! Sorry Jagan lovers) so here it is! it's called "Karma" and here is a little synopsis/preview/thingy xP**

I used to be the jock…the rich kid that had it all, but never quite appreciated, that until my father died and let me and my mother know that we were broke…she wasn't born rich, so she sucked up her sorrow and began working in anything she could…her friends not being real friends at all when our social level hit ground…I had to forget about designer wear and sports cars…change all that for second hand clothes and public transportation…not an easy task…I also had to find a job…the only one available was being a servant of the rich…and just then I learned that Karma worked in funny ways.

I used to be the poor kid…always mocked and bullied, specially from the owner's son, the kid of the man that provided my food and shelter…but then life kicked in, and that jerk lost it all, leaving him even lower than I had ever been…now he works for me, he doesn't even know that his boss is the poor kid he used to laugh at…he doesn't imagine the hell his about to go through because we all know that a little funny thing called Karma…it's a complete bitch.

**What do you think? Remember this wont be up until I finish the Malec story xD but it will be soon, don't worry xD**

**Take care! And See ya later!**


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